Hey guys... Just an fyi, my blog makes a lot more sense if you start reading it from the beginning.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

So the date...

It was fun. He's a nice guy, cute in an awkward way, which was kind of endearing actually. But he kept namedropping people in our industry and it was kind of annoying. I'm sure I did a lot of annoying things too though. I'm trying not to be too judgy about it. First dates are always awkward.

When it was over, he got out of the car and walked me up to the door and we sat on the porch for a few minutes (we have a huuuuuuuge front porch) and sort of talked and I could just tell he was working up to giving me a kiss goodnight. I'd kind of wanted that to happen, just because it would be the end of the dry spell, but all of a sudden I just couldn’t do it. My stomach fell all the way to the floor, and I knew if he tried I’d probably throw up or something. So I made up an excuse and went inside. I think he was pretty surprised. I feel like a jerk.

I don't think we'll go out again.

Running/walking is turning out to be good for my body, but not that great for my psychological fitness. I listen to music when I run and I end up telling myself all of these fairy tales about what will happen when I lose weight. I’ve half convinced myself that when I’m skinny Seth will fall in love with me.

Which is dumb on so many levels. #1 – I’m not skinny (YET) #2 – Even if I WAS skinny, who says he’d fall in love with me anyway? But my brain just keeps going there.

But even if both of those things happened, I don’t even know what I’d think about that. What if I get skinny and he DOES suddenly have feelings for me? Doesn’t that just mean he’s kind of shallow then? I don’t blame anyone for being attracted to a certain type, or wanting to be with someone who values fitness, or any of that - you're attracted to who you're attracted to, but… I don’t know.

And what if I get skinny, and we get together and then I gain weight? Will he fall back out of love with me? Wouldn’t that mean he doesn’t really even like me at all, just my (imaginary) body? What if we fell in love, got married, and I gained weight? Would he fall OUT of love with me?

I have a lot of questions about what will happen when he imaginarily falls in love with me, don't I. I know, I know - I'm DUMB. I guess I will try to worry about it if it ACTUALLY HAPPENS. What a concept. And I know it probably won't, I just - I'm spending too much time in my head, I think. I need to get a running partner so that I'm not spending an hour every day obsessing.

I didn’t always love him, you know? Once upon a time he was just a friend, just this guy who made me laugh and who hung out with us a lot, and I was dating someone else and having fun and didn’t feel like my heart was cracking all over the place.

Lisa’s coming over in a little while to cut my hair before church and measure her room (she moves in next weekend). She insisted that we do it today. TODAY. I was like, really, we can wait, not a big thing, but she thought it would be fun to do my hair THEN go to church and show everyone. Apparently she thinks my hair is kind of awful and that the big unveiling will be dramatic and then all the girls in the ward will want her to cut their hair too. She said she needs to drum up new clients. I probably should be offended that I'm the dramatic hair victim she's chosen to make over, but she's probably right. My hair's been the same since senior year.

I’m kind of nervous because if I hate how she cuts it or fixes it, I’m stuck wearing it that way to church and for the rest of the day. Wish me luck.