Hey guys... Just an fyi, my blog makes a lot more sense if you start reading it from the beginning.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

How to chicken out...

1) Realize your best friend is in a relationship that makes him at least a little bit happy
2) Realize you should probably respect that
3) Realize if/when they break up, which to you seems totally inevitable, then you can tell him
4) Realize if you do tell him and they don't break up, it will be even more awkward, because then (at least to his wife) you'll forever be that chick who made a play for her husband right before they got engaged and she'll totally rip up your Christmas card every year
5) Realize you were never really going to say anything more in the first place anyway because a) you already more or less told him and b) you're a big chicken

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Talking to Chris was pretty awful, partly because I felt like a jerk, and partly because he said a lot of really sweet things that made me have a lot of second thoughts (too late).

I think his pride was hurt more than anything else. I think he thought I was just playing hard to get all of those times I told him I wasn't ready to be serious, and realizing that I actually wasn't ready to be serious was a surprise.

When I told Chris that I DID like him, and couldn't we still be friends and hang out and see what happens, he looked at me with this kind of frustrated expression and said, "Why, because that's working so well for you with Seth?"

Point taken.

I must've apologized something like twenty times. Near the end there he told me I didn't have anything to be sorry for, and he drawled out, "But I AM awfully sorry you're so resistant to my fairly obvious charms." Maybe you had to be there, but honestly, with the accent? Very cute.

We left things on good terms. If we see each other at church or at an activity or at a party he'll probably be friendly. It'll be easy for him because he undoubtedly already has twenty girls lining up to go out with him.

It wasn't really the conversation itself that sucked - it was how I felt afterward. I'm having serious misgivings about having told him the truth. I know it was probably the honorable thing to do or whatever - why play games - but do guys really need to have the whole truth, all the time? What happened to hedging your bets? I feel so conflicted. I think I'm gonna be regretting this a lot longer than he is. I'm a lot worried this is my first step on the road to the whole seventeen cats plus me thing.

I can't stop eating either. I'm just so stressed and there is NO-ONE to talk to. Melissa's ticked, I can't tell Seth a lot of it, Kristen's married... I need to quit eating so much or I'm gonna be back in my tens, and I really don't want that - not after working so freaking hard. I wanted to be in a six by Halloween, but that's not gonna happen now. I suck.