I canceled, but not because of Seth. I'm trying not to think about Seth or about what may or may not happen on Sunday because it's turning me into a total head case. I'm afraid to hope it will be what I hope it will be. Luckily for me, I have a whole new mess to worry over - which leads me to the reason I canceled tonight.
I guess first you need to know that Chris still comes over every other day or so to "visit his sister." He's been here a lot, but it hasn't been awkward because he's just so dang relaxed and mellow and cheerful. We switched over pretty easily into friends territory - or at least that's what I thought.
The problem in the last little bit has been Melissa - if I talk to Chris at all she's impossible to deal with afterward. Things are bad enough between us, and every time he comes over it's like poking a rabid ferret with a stick. She starts making all of these hostile thinly veiled comments, then makes life miserable for me the next day.
I understand how she feels (jealousy and a crush - I get it, you know?), but I'm not sure what to do about it. Stay in my room when he comes over? Refuse to talk to him? Ban him from the house? Besides, until last night I was pretty sure it wasn't even an issue. I kept telling her she had nothing to worry about.
Thursday night he came over and had dinner. Lisa left with Jordan, but Chris decided to stay and watch Juno with us. Juno is an awesome movie but there's a scene in the first couple of minutes that's kind of risque and Melissa basically lost her mind. She wouldn't shut up. She was making comments about the movie, then moved on to making comments about where Chris was sitting on the couch (by me, but come ON), and then she started taking potshots at me. I think Chris was even more annoyed than I was. I don't think she understands she's completely blown any chance she ever had, if she ever had one in the first place.
She crossed the line at one point, and Chris said something kind of cutting to her (saving me the trouble). She got offended and bailed, so we got to watch the rest of the movie in peace. I was totally engrossed. It's the kind of movie that has such a sad/happy/romantic/awesome ending - you cry and laugh and smile all in the same two minutes. I was in tears - not little delicate tears, but choked back sobs (narrowly avoiding the ugly cry) with tears dripping down my face.
Chris thought it was cute. I know this because he brushed away a few of the tears on my face and said, "You're so sweet Cord," and then - I don't know what happened. The movie, plus the line, plus the look on his face...
You can see where this is going, right?
One minute he was kind of gently wiping the tears off of my face and the next minute we were kissing.
After I finally gathered the willpower to stop (five minutes later - that's like three hours in kissing years) I started apologizing, but he wouldn't let me. He was giving me a very cheshire cat grin, telling me "I'm wearin' you down, I can tell." I tried to tell him that wasn't it, that I had a weak moment (well, five minutes worth of weak moments I guess) and I was sorry. He just smiled and told me to call him next time I was having another weak moment and he'd rush on over to help me out.
If Melissa finds out, I'm a dead woman.
Besides feeling bad about leading Chris on, I feel like I cheated on Seth. I know technically I'm a free agent, but I don't feel like one. I know I would be really unhappy if I found out Seth was in San Diego macking on some random marketing rep at his conference.
I don't know why I didn't stop it or pull away or something. I'm starting to realize I'm kind of a pushover. I'm way too easily charmed. I don't have lots of experience with dating - one serious boyfriend, a few dates in high school and college and that's about it. I've always been the chubby girl guys ignored. Having guys flirt with me and try to kiss me out of the blue is totally uncharted territory.
I'm so surprised and flattered every time a guy is interested that I can hardly bring myself to turn 'em down. It's like if you were always picked last in PE and suddenly the cutest boy in class wants you on his team. Even if you aren't sure you particularly like him, it's hard to say no, because you still have that horrible feeling inside - say yes or you're gonna end up standing there all alone on the playground for the rest of your life.
After the fiasco with Chris I wasn't sure I could trust my own judgment, so I called and canceled the date with Eric (marketing rep guy). My hormones are so out of control right now that if Eric had been even semi-charming we probably would've ended up running off to Vegas for a quickie marriage at the Chapel 'O Love.
(I am SO not opening comments because I just know people will be shaking their heads and clucking their tongues and telling me I'm a harlot who doesn't deserve Seth. Maybe I am, I don't know.)
On the bright side I gave myself a blog makeover tonight. I surfed around the internet and found a free template from this lady. I love it.