But I'm really tired of this. I don't want to spend the next however long hurting over this. I don't want to hurt anyone else either.
Someone sent me an email and it was just what I needed to hear. The only way out of this whole convoluted mess is to just be honest. With everyone. With Chris. With Seth. And I guess with myself too.
That's really the thing - in the past I haven't wanted to hear what Seth would say if I really talked to him about it. It was easier and safer to live with my pocketful of imaginary hopes.
I'm tired of wasting my life waiting for something to happen. I need to hear the truth. I think I already know what the truth is, but I need to hear it from him so that I can cry over it for a couple trillion years and then hopefully start to move on.
I know if I never tell him, I'll look back on this in ten years and I'll regret that I never made sure he knew the whole truth. That Tinkerbell, never-say-die little part of my heart that still thinks maybe, maybe will always wonder.
I'm supposed to talk to Chris after his class tonight and I'm just gonna be honest, then maybe in a few days (weeks?), after I get up the nerve, I'm gonna talk to Seth.
So that's the plan.
Cross your fingers that I don't chicken out.