Hey guys... Just an fyi, my blog makes a lot more sense if you start reading it from the beginning.

Sunday, October 12, 2008


On Friday I went out with Chris. Tonight I got dumped, had a huge fight with Melissa and finally got a clue.

It was kind of a busy weekend.

Chris took me to La Caille on Friday, this really fancy and romantic French restaurant in Sandy. I was all, "Chris, I know you're broke, let's just go to IHOP," but he had reservations and was really insistent about wanting to take me, so I shut up and tried to be gracious. I got home kind of early because I was really full and sleepy. (It was probably the most food I've eaten at one time in two months.)

I spent the morning figuring out my classes for next semester, (took a semester off because I was broke - now I'm trying to finish - 15 credits left) then went to the gym (it sucked), then went to my parent's house. When I came home Lisa and Melissa were planning a game night with Jordan and Dave, and Lisa had already asked Chris to come over.

Fast forward a few hours and we were all sitting around playing The Office board game. I was cheating because I wanted it to go faster. I wasn't really in the mood. I wasn't being a brat, but I was being kind of quiet. Chris kept asking what was wrong, and I kept telling him "nothing," and then he'd ask again, and then I'd say "nothing" AGAIN. It got kind of annoying.

I was trying not to show my irritation. Even though I was annoyed, I still felt a lot of empathy for him, because I totally get it - the wanting everything to be perfect thing, the hoping if you make it perfect enough the other person is gonna want you back thing. The only problem is that trying too hard makes it so much worse.

It seems strange that he should like me so much. Maybe we always want what we can't ever really have. He told me on Friday night that he thought I was "so beautiful." Nobody's said anything like that to me for a WHILE, other than maybe my mom and random old people. Later on I was saying something sort of self deprecating and he said, "I think you're pretty much perfect."

I almost cried, because I didn't want him to feel that way. I didn't want him to like me so much. I didn't want to hurt him. Unfortunately, I think he thought I was weepy eyed because I was touched by the compliment.

Anyway, we were all sitting around playing when knock knock knock - guess who's at the door. Melissa answered it and Seth was standing there in long shorts (um, HELLO, 40 degrees out) and a t-shirt and ruffled hair, all sleepy looking like he just woke up - the way I love him best. He was like, "Sorry, I didn't know you guys were having a thing."

I told him to come in and warm up but he said he had to go. He obviously felt pretty awkward.

OK, I have to tell you this next part in detail or you won't get it. Sorry if it's boring, but - you have to understand what a JERK Melissa was being. (And then later maybe you'll understand why she was being such a jerk.)

After Seth left Chris said, "Does he always drop by like that?"

Melissa muttered, "Constantly."

I kind of shot her a dirty look, then rolled the dice and moved my guy. "We hang out a lot."

"You and him and Melissa," he clarified.

Melissa snorted.

"You and him," he said, and this time it wasn't a question.

"We've been friends for a long time. We're like brother and sister. Your turn." I was suddenly very enthusiastic about the game. I thought we should all concentrate on the game and stop talking. STOP TALKING IMMEDIATELY.

Melissa made another noise under her breath and I glared at her. "WHAT?!"

She looked at Chris. "You ever watch 90210?"

He shook his head.

"There's this couple, Ethan and Naomi, and there's this whole thing about how they exist inside of an impenetrable bubble and no matter how anyone tries, they can't ever really get inside of it. Trying to get involved with either of them is a total waste of time." She looked at me pointedly.

I start sputtering. "That's ridiculous - he has a girlfriend and we're not a couple Melissa."

"You might as well be."

Chris looked at me in confusion. "You used to date?"

"No," I said irritably. "Never. We're friends, and that's all we've ever been." I was ready to kill Melissa. Everyone else in the room looked varying shades of uncomfortable yet fascinated, except Lisa, who looked worried.

Melissa wasn't done yet.

"I'm telling you this because you're a nice guy and you don't deserve this. Run for the hills. It's not gonna happen. Cordy - "

"MELISSA!" I tried to interrupt but she talked over me.

"Cordy has a record of blowing off each and every guy who's ever been interested in her, because she's totally infatuated with Seth."

I stared at her. What was she DOING?! Seriously, WHAT WAS SHE DOING? The total shock and anger I felt in that moment, UGH. I can't even tell you.

Chris was working his jaw and he looked at me, flushed. "Can we talk?" He glanced over at Melissa, then back at me. "Outside?"

I nodded, and he got up and stalked out of the room.

I glared at Melissa, so angry I was speechless. I'm not one of those people who gets articulate and says the exact right words when I'm mad, I'm more the kind who just gets apoplectic with rage and unable to express themselves coherently. I pointed at her, said, "we are so gonna talk about this later," and she SMIRKED at me. I thought I was gonna have an aneurysm right there in the living room, but I just threw my hands up in the air and followed Chris out.

It was freaking freezing outside. Chris looked at me. "Was that true?"

I started rubbing my forehead and jabbering, not looking at him. "No, we never dated, he has a girlfriend, we're just good friends - you can ask him, he'll tell you - we hang out because we're friends and we get along really well and we grew up together and - "

He interrupted me, his voice deadly quiet. "So are you into him or what?"

The question deflated me. How could I answer that? I bit my lip and looked up at him and he could see it on my face.

He shook his head. "I feel like a *!$@# idiot."

"Chris - "

"I guess I can't say you didn't warn me." He picked up his keys, not looking at me, but getting that resolute no-way-will-I-get-upset look guys get when they're getting upset. "I''ll see you around."

I wanted to go after him, to tell him not to be ridiculous, that I didn't like Seth at all, I liked HIM - except it wouldn't have been true. And it was inevitable, the ending badly thing. Maybe it was better this way - rip off the band-aid and get it over with.

But I felt awful. I knew how he had to have felt. It was like I was Seth and Chris was me. I hate being responsible for that. I felt and feel horrible.

I stood out there shivering in the cold for a minute, feeling like the world's biggest jerk, then went inside, ready to absolutely murder Melissa.

I'm gonna have to tell you the rest tomorrow night, I'm too tired right now.