Hey guys... Just an fyi, my blog makes a lot more sense if you start reading it from the beginning.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Why it hurts...

What a mess. I’m so sick of crying. I’ll warn you in advance - this is waaay long. I’m not really so good at editing myself when I’m upset.

After that last post, almost everyone who emailed me said, “Cordy, this guy is a JERK. RUN. RUN FAR AWAY.” Which kind of breaks my heart, because I hate the thought of everyone out there thinking he’s a jerk.

It almost makes me want to delete the blog, because I’ve given you the wrong impression. You've only gotten to hear what I've been in the mood to tell you. Sometimes when I post I write it like it's a book, and sometimes I'm more in the summarizing/impatient type mood, and sometimes I like to pretend I’m a screenwriter and just tell you what people said. So it's not really all that accurate or complete.

I want you to know that he's not a jerk. He did a stupid, thoughtless thing, but even good people do stupid, thoughtless things in the heat of the moment. He’s one of the best people I know.

Let me tell you a couple of things about who Seth is, so maybe you'll get why I fell in love with him in the first place.
  • He was there for me when my grandpa died, waiting for me outside of the hospital and holding my hand at the funeral.
  • Way back when, when I broke up with my last jerk of a boyfriend, he let me vent and rant and rave without ever saying “I told you so,” (because he’d seriously, seriously told me so).
  • He taught me how to snowboard and how to shoot.
  • When I had to put my dog down a few months ago he had his arm around me the whole time and comforted me when I cried, even though he hates dogs.
  • We’ve talked for hours and hours and hours and hours – about everything and anything.
I could tell you a million little stories like that, but they all boil down to this: He wouldn’t hurt me on purpose. He's a good guy. He's a good MAN.

He’s just not that into me. That’s it. That's the whole thing. And it sucks because he’s my best friend, but it doesn't mean that he's a jerk, or that he doesn't care. I know he cares.

What you guys don’t know is how sick he looked on Thursday – how truly stricken he looked when he saw me crying. He looked like he’d been sucker-punched.

Late this morning he came over. I’d been kind of waiting for it, trying to figure out what to say. I didn’t want to get into a lot of detail, but I didn’t want to lie either. I'm tired of hiding it. On the other hand, I didn’t want a big dramatic friendship ending scene, either.

When he showed up he looked kind of tired and upset and worried, and as soon as I opened the door he launched into this whole thing about how he was really sorry for being such an ass (his word, not mine - sorry for the language).

(It was awkward because Lisa was there watching and she doesn’t know ANY of this stuff. I’m not sure how much I want her to know because of her brother. I could tell she was thinking, “What is THIS about?”)

We went out on the front porch and he gave me a huge hug, the hold-you-tight rock-back-and-forth kind. He eventually let me go and said, “So are we gonna talk about this?”

I kind of shrugged, with my stomach lurching all over the place.

He said, “I get that I was a jack-ass, I get it, I swear. I’m so sorry,” and went on in that vein for a while.

I didn’t know what to say back. I just sat there trying to think of something to say and willing myself not to cry, not to cry, not to cry. I was mostly successful at keeping the tears out of my eyes. Mostly.

So he tried again, sitting down next to me on the glider and giving me the gentle eyes. “Cordy - what’s going on?”

I think we sat there in total dead silence for a good five minutes, and I finally super super quietly mumbled, “I don’t know. It was weird. It kind of hurt to see. I guess I don’t like seeing you kiss other girls, that’s all.”

Other girls?”

I didn’t look up for a long time. When I finally did, all scared and tentative, he was staring at me like I was from another planet. Like I’d grown another head. A really, really, really ugly head. He looked stunned and upset - almost angry with me.

I suddenly really wanted off the porch, and through my tears I told him in a kind of speed mumble not to worry about it anymore, we were cool, and I didn’t really feel like talking, and I was tired from getting in so late and then I went inside. I didn’t even give him a chance to say anything. I went and sat in my room, feeling like I was having a heart attack. I don’t even know how long he sat outside for, I was afraid to look.

But since then he hasn’t called me, or texted me or emailed me or anything. I don’t know if he:
  • Genuinely never knew and was putting the puzzle together and was kind of in shock
  • Always knew and was stunned that I was finally admitting it
  • Always suspected but never had confirmation and was totally shocked that I finally got up the nerve to say something
Either way, it doesn’t bode well. The look on his face was not, “OH MY GOSH SHE LIKES ME ALL MY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE.” It was more, “Oh hell. This is totally gonna ruin our friendship and I have no idea what to say.”

I think more than any potential relationship or whatever, I’m mourning the loss of our friendship, because it’s obvious it’s going to change no matter what happens after this.

I feel like my heart is breaking. It's such a cliche, I know, but - it just hurts so much right now.

I’ll have to tell you all about Saturday later. I’m too bummed out tonight. (I can summarize it like this: it was fun, I think Chris genuinely likes me, he kissed me, and he’s great. But if I got involved with him right now, it would be a total rebound, so I’m not sure I’m gonna go out with him again. We'll see what happens.)