Hey guys... Just an fyi, my blog makes a lot more sense if you start reading it from the beginning.

Monday, November 10, 2008

In which I finally say some things I needed to say...

If there's one thing we do well around here it's efficiently pass along gossip. By Saturday afternoon Lisa, Jordan, Melissa and Seth all knew that I was going to Georgia with Chris.

I was hiding in my room avoiding Melissa when Seth showed up, his pride obviously hurt. He paced around my room for a while before getting around to his question. “What I don't understand is what happened between Tuesday night and today."

I didn't even look up from my computer, but acted as though I had no idea what he was talking about. “Tuesday night... Tuesday night... Did something happen on Tuesday night?"

"Very funny." He didn't sound amused.

I frowned at him. "Oh - TUESDAY. You mean when you almost kissed me and said you’d call me later? THAT Tuesday? I'm so surprised you remember that. Because what happened was Wednesday. And Thursday. And Friday. With no call."

He looked sheepish and started messing with the pictures on my dresser, picking them up and pretending to look at them so that he wouldn't have to look at me. "I was gonna call, but - "

"I had a few days to realize that once again, you were just messing with me.”

That got his attention. He looked almost hurt by the accusation. “No I wasn’t.”

“Yeah you were. Just like at the wedding reception. Having a little fun, then pretending like it never happened.” It was a relief to finally say all of the things I'd been thinking for the last few days.

“That’s not it at all - ”

I stared back at him cooly. “Really. Then why didn’t you call me?”

“I was busy - "

“You were busy. Yeah, well I was busy too. Busy thinking.” I boiled over with frustration. “You know what I think? You don’t want me, but you don’t want anyone else to have me either. So you throw me these little scraps of affection to make sure I never get over you.

He looked shocked that I'd said it out loud. “That’s not true.”

I was on a roll. Almost stuttering because I was so wound up and anxious, but on a roll. "Let me ask you something. How long have you known?"

"Known what?"

"How I felt about you. A few weeks? A few months? What?"

I saw him eyeing the door. Probably calculating if it would be faster to sprint or attempt to fly. He put his hands in his pockets, apparently resigning himself to the conversation. "A while."

"A while. So what does that mean? Months?"

He mumbled something I didn't catch.

"What?"

"Years," he said it quietly.

"Years." How humiliating. "Years. You've known for years. And you never said anything."

"Neither did you." He came and sat down next to me. "Besides, what was I supposed to say? I didn't - I didn't feel that way about you. I didn't want to ruin everything. Ruin our whole friendship. I figured you'd get over it if I waited it out."

I sat there silently, thinking of all of those times when he told me about other girls, suddenly realizing he must've known the entire time how much he was hurting me every time he did it. Deciding to cause me pain on purpose, just to subtly drive the point home that he didn't care about me like that.

I was so deep in thought that I was startled when he took my hand. "I couldn't deal with the idea of screwing it all up over a passing crush. It's not like I didn't care about you. You've been the most important girl in my life for a long time. I just wasn't attracted to you then."

Then. "Are you now?"

The question obviously made him nervous. "Yeah."

"So what's the cut off?" I asked him softly.

"What?"

I snatched my hand away. "The cut off. In the last four months I lost thirty pounds. So, um, if I gain back five, is that the point where you lose interest? Or ten? Fifteen? I need to know at what point I become totally repulsive to you." The anger was a very good thing, keeping the tears at bay.

I could see him clenching his teeth. "That's not fair. Are you gonna tell me you'd be attracted to me if I weighed fifty pounds more than I do now?"

"Of COURSE I would." Fifty pounds more, missing limbs, whatever.

"You can't be mad at me for being attracted to girls who are fit. That's totally normal. That doesn't make me a jerk."

I didn't want to listen or be fair. I just wanted to vent. My words tumbled out, one after the other, rapid fire and angry. "Oh - girls who are fit. So I'm probably just on the borderline of acceptable right now, right? Boy, you're really lowering your standards to even be willing to consider me. I guess I should thank you for being so charitable."

He was like a deer in the headlights. I almost felt sorry for him. "Cordy, come on - "

"I'll bet all of this - I'll call you later, I'll call you in a week, I'll call you in a month - that was actually a STRATEGY, right? You figured you'd wait long enough and I'd eventually lose enough weight to be acceptable girlfriend material. Wouldn't want to embarrass yourself in front of your buddies by dating a fat chick."

"That isn't true." He looked bewildered and lost for words - not sure what he could say that I wouldn't immediately use against him.

“It is. It’s the truest thing either one of has said to each other in months."

We sat there and stared at each other for a minute before he finally quietly said, "I'm gonna go. But I'm coming back over here tomorrow when you've calmed down a little so that we can actually talk."

"Oh, thanks DAD." I started fiddling with my computer, not wanting to look at him. "Although if you want to wait till I'm calm, you might try JANUARY."

The next time I looked up he was gone.

(He did come back on Sunday, but I'll have to tell you about that later.)