Hey guys... Just an fyi, my blog makes a lot more sense if you start reading it from the beginning.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Last Tuesday

Last Tuesday my sister sat me down and read me the riot act. Blah blah blah emotionally stunted blah blah just talk to him already blah blah blah start acting like a grown up blah blah BLAH.

I tried to explain that I'm perfectly capable of having adult conversations about my feelings - just - not with Seth. It actually makes perfect sense if you think about it. I spent years training myself to hide my feelings. The fact that I failed miserably and everyone this side of the Pacific was totally aware of how I felt is irrelevant (really, really embarrassing - but irrelevant). My brain is wired to react only one way when Seth's around. "Oh, look, a feeling - hide it, HIDE IT, HIDE IT!" I'm not emotionally stunted exactly - just well trained.

She ignored all of my perfectly good rationalizations, and told me I was getting in the way of my own happiness. I could apply all the stupid analogies I wanted, but they wouldn't keep me warm at night. Nice. (This is why Thanksgiving is going to be SO MUCH FUN.)

That night he caught me on googlechat.

S: You can't avoid me forever.
C: Who says?
S: If you really wanted me to leave you alone you wouldn't be online.
S: You miss me, I can tell.
C: You're so conceited.
C: Maybe I'm chatting with other guys.
C: Maybe I'm having a hot online affair.
S: Are you?
C: Well.
C: No. Not right this minute.
S: I knew it.
S: Get dressed, I'm coming over.
C: It's almost eleven.
S: Come on, it's practically my birthday.
C: Your birthday's not till November 30th.
S: It's right around the corner.
C: Maybe another night.
S: You're replaying it all in your head, aren't you
C: What?
S: All the times I pretended I didn't know.
S: All the times I flirted with some random girl.
C: All the times you made out with someone right in front of me.
C: Oops. Sorry, that just slipped out.
S: I know you're mad. I get it.
C: I'm not mad. It just feels so complicated.
S: It doesn't need to be.
S: We could start over, square one.
S: Pretend you don't like me.
S: Pretend I don't like you, or think about you all the time, or want to be with you.
S: None of that.
S: We'll just hang out, see what happens.
C: That - that could work.
S: So I'll come over tonight?
C: Tomorrow.
S: Right, tomorrow. 8:00.

And he did. But I'll have to tell you about that later.