I guess I should tell you things with an eye toward chronological order, huh? (Stupid time, with it's stupid requirement that things be done in order.) That means I should just get it over with already and write about Chris. I've been putting it off, because thinking about it makes me unhappy.
Last Friday night I talked to him. I told him how much I cared about him (because I do), and how sorry I was (because I am), but I felt like I had to give it a chance with Seth or I would always wonder and regret it.
It was horrible.
I'd give you the play-by-play, but trust me, you don't really want to read it. He was hurt. He kept looking out the window and shaking his head with this utterly dejected expression on his face.
We sat there for a long time, only sporadically talking. After a while he started kidding around, mostly to save face I think. He was making sort of bitter jokes about how I keep trying to move us back into the friends zone but never manage to actually keep things there, because of the whole can't-resist-him thing.
I think he knows things are different now though - because of Seth.
I got out and stood next to his truck for a minute, trying to think of something to say. I wanted to say something perfect that would make it all better - make him smile, let him know how much I care, but still ensure he knew it was over.
So basically I was looking for MAGIC words.
He looked so frustrated. He said, "I know you've liked him for a long time. Him finally coming around - it probably feels like a dream come true to you, doesn't it." It wasn't a question. He let out a cheerless little half laugh. "That's the part I don't get. How overlooking you for so long wins him points. How he makes that work out in his favor."
I didn't know what to say that wouldn't make it worse, so I didn't say anything, just stood there feeling miserable and cold.
He put the truck into gear and I backed up, assuming we were done. He took a parting shot though, and made it count. "Don't you want to be with someone who gets it? Who doesn't take five years to figure out they want you? Who meets you and says - HER - that's the girl."
It was so heartfelt - for a minute I wanted to get back into the truck and tell him to forget what I'd said earlier, but I just mumbled, "But don't you want that too?"
He rubbed his forehead for a minute, then said, "You're probably right. See you around, Cordy," and he drove off.
You know, it would be really great if I could just split myself in half.
Bloody, but great.