Hey guys... Just an fyi, my blog makes a lot more sense if you start reading it from the beginning.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Sunday morning email from Seth


I got your email. You're right. I'm a jerk. I know you don't think I get it, but I do.

I don’t have your gift with words, so I’ll just try to say this as simply as I can. I’m so sorry. I realized after I left last night how stupid I was being, trying to defend myself against what probably feels to you like a total betrayal. Because you don' t know how I feel. All you know are the countless ways I've hurt you.

I know I’ve handled things badly – not just with Teresa, but over and over again, for the last two years. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I’ve been confused all year long – not knowing how to act, or what to say, or what to feel.

Remember back in February, when we went snowboarding up at Brighton? The weekend that Dave and Sarah bailed? It was the best day, and you made some little comment about wanting to marry someone who you could board with, and it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. How was I ever gonna have a life that didn’t include you? I mean logically I’ve known that forever – that it would have to end at some point – but it hadn’t really hit home. You looked so cute, with your hair in two braids under your hat, all sunburned and happy and in the best mood, making me laugh so hard I almost fell off the lift, and I felt this huge wave of affection for you.

I almost kissed you. If I know you at all, you remember it. But I snapped out of it just in time, remembering all of the reasons why I couldn’t act on random feelings. Because how devastated would you be if I started randomly flirting with you and then didn’t follow through? I couldn’t act like I’d act with any other girl I was testing the waters with. It was impossible to do anything. So I did nothing. Because I wasn’t sure what I felt and I couldn't afford to screw up our friendship.

I put it in the back of my mind, but it seemed to keep happening – all of these random moments where I’d realize all over again that eventually I’d have to say goodbye to you, and I couldn’t picture it.

I know when I was dating Teresa I was all over the map – that’s partly because I really did like her, but I was also confused about you. I couldn’t keep my head on straight for more than ten minutes at a time.

I’m so sorry about that night at your house when I kissed Teresa in front of you. I don’t know what I was thinking. There’s no excuse for it. But that night? Seeing the look on your face and realizing how it made me feel literally sick inside to know I'd hurt you like that – I knew there was no point even trying to pretend like there would ever be anyone else for me but you.

The last few months, you’ve gotten more and more adorable every day, and it got harder and harder to handle what I was feeling. Because then it wasn’t just – how can I function without her in my life – but it was also – wanting to be with you so badly it hurt. Realizing I was in so far over my head that there was no way back out of it. I would’ve kissed you on Tuesday, but I didn’t want Chris’ sister to walk in on us. You have NO IDEA how much I regret not doing it anyway.

I came over on Friday, saw you with Chris, and I wanted to kill him – rip him limb from limb. I can’t handle it. Now I know how you must’ve felt when you saw me with Teresa, and I hate myself for it.

I know you said you didn't want me to contact you for a while - but I wanted you to know the whole story before you decide whether or not you can forgive me. I’m not asking you to give me a chance, or to stop seeing him. (Even though I wish you would. Especially the "stop seeing him" part.) I know I’m a jerk. I know how much I’ve hurt you. If you can’t forgive me, I get it. I’m not expecting anything. The most I'm hoping for at this point is that you'll still let me be a part of your life as a friend.

I’d rather save the big words for a later date, on the off-chance that you’ll give me another shot someday, so for now, I’ll just end with…