Hey guys... Just an fyi, my blog makes a lot more sense if you start reading it from the beginning.

Monday, September 29, 2008

How to keep your best friend firmly on the hook

  1. Call her and tell her you missed her over the weekend and ask her to come to your mom's birthday party that night
  2. When she lies and says she's busy, because she's trying to do that whole distance thing again, beg her to meet you for lunch instead
  3. When she meets you for lunch, because she is not made of steel, suggest getting Quiznos and going to Sugarhouse Park
  4. At the park, sit by the stream and throw leaves at her and tell her that she looks really pretty and that you were wrong about the whole haircut thing. Say all of this while giving her one of your patented sweet/sincere smiles - the ones that are so freaking confusing they make her feel shaky.
  5. Pretend to be interested and supportive while she rants about her boss
  6. When she needs to leave to get back to the office, make her promise to come to the party. Use the sad face if she says no. The sad face always gets her.
  7. When she still says no, and says that now she really, really needs to go, put an arm around her and ask her what's wrong. Tell her you can tell something's bothering her, because she's been distant for the past couple of weeks.
  8. When she stumbles over her words and doesn't give you a firm answer, don't say anything at all. Just give her the sensitive clueless best-friend eyes, the ones that will make her totally powerless to resist you, even though you're not technically doing a thing to encourage her. Make sure to maintain eye contact long enough that she starts turning assorted shades of red and mumbling about "really really really having to get back to the office."
  9. While you walk back to your cars, start rambling on about your girlfriend, and tell her that if you end up marrying your girlfriend, it would be awesome if she would be the best man. Because how funny would that be.

On second thought, that last one? You probably should skip that one. Because even if you think that's a hilarious idea, it'll probably make her cry all the way back to the office.

FRACK.

Ya know, sometimes I think he's just screwing with me.

(I'm going to Tuacahn with Chris, Lisa and Jordan (her fiancee) on Saturday to see Les Mis. He called and invited me tonight. I wish I even cared.)

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Everything you never wanted to know about my hair

  • After Lisa finished my hair and make-up we all sat around staring at me in the mirror for a while. Mel kept saying, "Cordy, you look so pretty," and I was just staring at myself because, for once, I actually felt pretty. I never thought I could look like that. My hair was all soft and shiny and highlighty and behaving itself. I felt like an actual real girl, for once. I'm so dumb - I actually teared up and cried a little. I feel so grateful to Lisa right now, I don't think she quite gets it. I've never really felt pretty before.
  • She shaped my eyebrows, which I didn’t realize I needed, because I’ve always plucked them and I thought I was doing an o.k. job – but as it turns out - eyebrow shaping makes a gigantic difference.
  • Chris told me I was “the cutest thing ever” (which I know, gag, but it sounds so much better in a southern accent, trust me on this) and he sat next to me in church and we flirted up a storm. I guess the hair was making me feel sort of not myself and capable of flirting.
  • Wow, can he ever sing. One of the hymns was A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief, and I'm not kidding, I was swooning, he has such a good voice. What is it about a guy who can sing?
  • Seth did a triple-take when he saw me and every time we made eye contact that day he looked really startled. That, more than anything, made my day. We never got a chance to talk though – Teresa was all over him today, in super territorial girlfriend mode.
Chris and Lisa came over after church and hung out with us for a while. He talked me into making cookies with him. It was fun. OK, it was more than fun. It was really, really fun.

He told me I looked like Amber from the Hairspray movie, and after I got over being all flattered and bashful and all "No I don't," (because really, I don't) I was all, "she has awful hair in that movie," and he was like, "well, not how she has it in the movie, obviously, how she used to look," and I was trying to figure out when/where/how/who, but then the important point of it all dawned on me.

"You've seen Hairspray?" I asked him.

"Of course."

Because get this, he loves musicals. He loves musicals. (Seth, who, again?)

The accent just kills me. Every time he asked me to pass him something he said "Darlin" with it – “Darlin, pass the sugar,” “Darlin, hand me that stick a butter,” and I’m sorry, but it was totally adorable.

His sister finally started laughing and told him to stop – “Chris, you’re not from the Okies.” Then she told me that he always exaggerates the southern thing when he’s trying to impress a girl.

He didn’t even deny it, just started cracking eggs and said, “Now I’m fixin’ to beat the eggs in” and he gave me a big grin, which, come on, only made him a little more adorable.

It was kind of an awesome day. I think I'm excited about it mostly because things like this never happen to me. Sometimes, once in a blue moon, guys will flirt with me, but they don't usually follow me home : )

I'm not taking Chris seriously or anything, because I know he's just a total flirt, but - it was still a really fun day. Maybe there is life after Seth.

Hopefully he meant Brittany Snow like this:

(I WISH I looked like that, I'm so sure)


And not like this:



: )

So the date...

It was fun. He's a nice guy, cute in an awkward way, which was kind of endearing actually. But he kept namedropping people in our industry and it was kind of annoying. I'm sure I did a lot of annoying things too though. I'm trying not to be too judgy about it. First dates are always awkward.

When it was over, he got out of the car and walked me up to the door and we sat on the porch for a few minutes (we have a huuuuuuuge front porch) and sort of talked and I could just tell he was working up to giving me a kiss goodnight. I'd kind of wanted that to happen, just because it would be the end of the dry spell, but all of a sudden I just couldn’t do it. My stomach fell all the way to the floor, and I knew if he tried I’d probably throw up or something. So I made up an excuse and went inside. I think he was pretty surprised. I feel like a jerk.

I don't think we'll go out again.

Running/walking is turning out to be good for my body, but not that great for my psychological fitness. I listen to music when I run and I end up telling myself all of these fairy tales about what will happen when I lose weight. I’ve half convinced myself that when I’m skinny Seth will fall in love with me.

Which is dumb on so many levels. #1 – I’m not skinny (YET) #2 – Even if I WAS skinny, who says he’d fall in love with me anyway? But my brain just keeps going there.

But even if both of those things happened, I don’t even know what I’d think about that. What if I get skinny and he DOES suddenly have feelings for me? Doesn’t that just mean he’s kind of shallow then? I don’t blame anyone for being attracted to a certain type, or wanting to be with someone who values fitness, or any of that - you're attracted to who you're attracted to, but… I don’t know.

And what if I get skinny, and we get together and then I gain weight? Will he fall back out of love with me? Wouldn’t that mean he doesn’t really even like me at all, just my (imaginary) body? What if we fell in love, got married, and I gained weight? Would he fall OUT of love with me?

I have a lot of questions about what will happen when he imaginarily falls in love with me, don't I. I know, I know - I'm DUMB. I guess I will try to worry about it if it ACTUALLY HAPPENS. What a concept. And I know it probably won't, I just - I'm spending too much time in my head, I think. I need to get a running partner so that I'm not spending an hour every day obsessing.

I didn’t always love him, you know? Once upon a time he was just a friend, just this guy who made me laugh and who hung out with us a lot, and I was dating someone else and having fun and didn’t feel like my heart was cracking all over the place.

Lisa’s coming over in a little while to cut my hair before church and measure her room (she moves in next weekend). She insisted that we do it today. TODAY. I was like, really, we can wait, not a big thing, but she thought it would be fun to do my hair THEN go to church and show everyone. Apparently she thinks my hair is kind of awful and that the big unveiling will be dramatic and then all the girls in the ward will want her to cut their hair too. She said she needs to drum up new clients. I probably should be offended that I'm the dramatic hair victim she's chosen to make over, but she's probably right. My hair's been the same since senior year.

I’m kind of nervous because if I hate how she cuts it or fixes it, I’m stuck wearing it that way to church and for the rest of the day. Wish me luck.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

I have a date tonight...

...with a guy from work. He's smart and sort of funny, but there's no there there. No chem and he's one of those former LDS who I can just tell is gonna try to rescue me from mormonism. I don't even know why I'm going out with him. Just to have something to do other than hang out at the house.

OK, yeah, I do know. I haven't kissed anyone in a year. A year. Whatever, judge me, I don't care. Go a freakin year without being kissed, your dating standards might get lower too.

I was at a friend's house last night with a bunch of people and this girl I know from church asked me how I was handling the break-up, and I just blinked at her, like "what?" Turns out that people thought Seth and I were DATING. How sad is that?! Very very sad.

I wonder if that's part of why I've had like zero and a half dates in the last year. I don't see how anyone could think that. I guess we're kind of touchy feely with each other but not couply touchy feely. I know we're together a lot but its pretty obvious he doesn't like me like that.

Seth wanted me to come over and help him organize his closet today. I guess he thinks I'm his mom or something. I passed. And then sat around being bored and missing him and wishing I hadn't passed. Then I went running, so go me.

Sometimes I think I should just tell him. But I know that would lead straight to the end of our friendship.

A few people put me on their blogrolls, I was so excited. I have to set one up. Maybe tonight - I guess it depends on how bad the date is :)

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Awww.....

OK, I know I already posted today, but I've gotta post this, even though I know it's probably lame that I'm all photographic memory about it. I figure if by some miracle it works out (yeah right), then I'll have all these sweet moments recorded for our grandchildren to read or whatever.

Yeah, that's it. It's not that I'm obsessing or anything.

We were talking on the phone (he called twice tonight, YES) and I said, “You should come over Saturday, maybe Lisa'll give us a two-for-one."

He said, “You're letting her cut your hair?”

“Yeah. She wants to cut it into a bob."

"Is that short?"

"Yeah, kind of chin length - "

“DON'T CUT IT!” Whaddaya know. He was all interrupty and urgent about it.

"Why not?"

"Just don't."

"I didn't realize you had an opinion."

"I don't think you should cut it."

"Why?"

"I don't know." He was quiet for a minute. "It's really pretty. Do what you want but most guys'll probably like it better long."

That led to a conversation about whether or not I'd actually not cut my hair just because certain guys might like it better long. I pretended like I'd never do something like that, but honestly?

I'm not cutting it now.

Whatever, I never claimed to be enlightened.

He thinks my hair is pretty.

Really pretty.

Sorry for having a moment about something as dumb as that, but we don't ever talk about that stuff, so it was one for the record books. I thought it was so cute how he interrupted me, all DON'T CUT IT!! Almost like it mattered to him how I looked.

Maybe you had to be there, but, to me, it was really sweet.

The joy is just getting sucked right out of our friendship

I don't know if it's Seth's fault or mine. There's an awkwardness there that wasn't there before. I don't even know if he senses it. We'll be talking on the phone and he'll say something about Teresa, wanting to talk about her and I can't seem to make myself play it cool. Instead of saying something strange I listen silently, trying to be supportive, but inside thinking, "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Pulleeeeeeeeaze shut up."

I think he thinks that means I don't like her. But I don't have an opinion of her at all, really. Other than - evil girl who is taking away the love of my freaking life. Other than that, I'm practically neutral. (Yeah, that is sarcasm.)

Sometimes I think I should just tell him. Listen, you idiot, I'm in love with you, so could we please NOT talk about how much you like your new girlfriend? Sometimes I think he knows already, except then how cruel would it be for him to know and then still constantly tell me about her? If he knows, and he's talking about her anyway, then he's a jerk, right? And I know he's not a jerk, so I guess that means he doesn't know.

But how could he not know? I'm not that good of an actress.

I don't know. It's so confusing.

I think I'm gonna start going to my home ward. It would be easier that way. I don't want to see them all back-scratching arms around each other at church. My heart needs time to get used to that particular mental picture.

Frack.

He wants to do something with me on Saturday, but I don't know. Why bother.

I think I'm gonna let Lisa cut my hair.

Someday I'm gonna open up comments, and you're all gonna spank me, I know.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

OK, fine, you already know I'm a boy crazy loser, so I guess I'll post this anyway...

Chris is really cute - brown hair, brown eyes, tall, studly. He's got the accent too. He's a charmer. He flirted with me all weekend. I'm not taking it seriously - he's that type - total player, love 'em and leave 'em, charm you because I can type. It's still fun though.

He's in grad school (for some kind of advanced Math), and he's dirt poor, so he sponges off Lisa whenever he can for meals. He made sure we knew he'd be around a lot. Random cute guy hanging out with us - not a bad side benefit to having Lisa live here.

Seth hasn't called me at all this week. I'm trying not to think about it. Chris is a good distraction, even if he's nothing but a huge flirt.

Yes, I realize this is Joshua Jackson. It's not like I can post an actual picture of Chris. Because then, just my luck, someone would find my blog, and see the picture, and realize who I really am, and then everyone would know about my loserdom, including Seth. (That was my long-winded way of telling you that this is who Chris kind of reminds me of. )

Monday, September 22, 2008

Now that I'm done feeling sorry for myself, I should tell you...

It was a fun weekend, in spite of his not bothering to show up to the party. Friday sucked, but Saturday was fun.

I met Lisa (the soon to be roomie), who is very cool. I was a little worried at first. She's really cute and skinny, with cute clothes and cute hair, and even a cute southern accent (she's from Georgia), and maybe this is awful, but it's hard to live with a girl like that sometimes, when you're so not all of those things. But she's engaged, and somehow that makes it all better.

She really wants to cut my hair. She was horrified when I told her I usually go to Supercuts. She scolded me for a good half-hour and counseled me on the appropriate cut for my face, and the benefits of lowlights, and - it made my head hurt after a while.

On Saturday a bunch of us drove to Sundance to have a picnic and hike around. The colors are turning now, it's so pretty. (I took this picture off the internet cuz I didn't have my camera with me, but it was a lot like that.) Mel even brought up a birthday pie. It was me, Melissa, Lisa, Dave, Rob, and Lisa's brother Chris. Her brother is really cute, but obviously a total player. That's all I'm gonna say about him right now.

I ran on Friday, but not yesterday, because we hiked ALL OVER the mountain, and then I had a party at my parents. I'm going tomorrow though, for sure. I fit into my size ten jeans now, which should not make me as happy as it does, but it does! YESSSSSS!!!!!!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Seth made me a birthday cake...

He brought it over this afternoon, but I wasn't there.

When I got home I saw the goofy little homemade cake on the porch and read his note, and all was forgiven.

The note said, "Happy Birthday from your jerky, inconsiderate, insensitive, forgetful, and very sorry friend. Love, Seth."

I stared at the word "love" for a while and felt forgiveness washing over me. I'm so dumb. It wasn't the apology, or the fact that forgetting wasn't that big of a deal - it was his totally innocent use of the word "love."

Yes, I'm pathetic.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

"Are you mad at me?"

"No." I wonder if he can hear me pouting.

"Good. Happy birthday!"

"Belated."

"One minute past. How was the party?"

"Fine."

"You're mad."

"..."

"I'm really sorry."

"You know what? Whatever. It's not a big deal."

"I just - got busy with Teresa."

"I don't need details, thanks."

"I'm really sorry, I'm a jerk."

"Yeah, you kind of are."

And I hung up on him. GO ME.

He didn't show up to my party, and we kept waiting for him to show up, and he kept on - not showing up. It was pathetic. I feel dropped and discarded, which I guess is the natural order of things, but still. It was my birthday. Ouch.

I think I'm kind of done.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Maybe it's better that we barely see each other these days...

...makes it easier to move on. He left me a message last night wondering what I was up to but I didn't call him back, because I was feeling childish. Maybe I should stay childish, I might get over him faster that way.

We're getting a new roommate next month. Her name's Lisa. She's a cosmetologist. I don't know what to think about that. I'm intimidated by girls who are really girly. I haven't met her yet. Melissa knows her from high school and says she's low drama. I hope she's right. She must be low maintenance if she agreed to take the room in the basement, because it's not exactly the nicest room in the house. It's kind of creepy, actually.

We lost our last roommate in May when Kristen got married, and we desperately need someone to help pay the mortgage. Kristen was so great, I loved her. Sorry, did that sound like she died or something? It almost feels like it. Whenever someone gets married they disappear completely. I'm happy for her and everything, but I miss her.

We're all hanging out on Friday. It's my birthday. Lisa's coming, so I'll get to meet her. Seth is even ditching Teresa for one night to come. Miracles still happen! (I'm trying to be normal and understanding and going-on-with-mylife-ish, but I miss him.)

I ran a mile last night. I know that probably sounds so pathetic, but for me it was big, because it's been a loooooong time since I could run a mile. I walked two miles and ran one mile. My twelves are so so so baggy, yippee!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Believe it or not, I have a life outside of my pathetic obsession with Seth, it's just boring to talk about

I work in publishing. Part of my job is to sit and read manuscripts. Getting paid to read is kind of awesome, even though some of the stuff we have to read is awful.

The pay is total crap, but I consider it a paid internship. Hopefully I'll make money later when I'm a big-time agent or editor. I have to finish school first anyway.

I've gone running seven times in the last two weeks. I'm doing that couch to 5K thing, and so it's more like walking/shuffling/walking/shuffling, but still. I'm actually starting to lose weight, miracle. I'm still a size twelve, so it's probably mostly water, but it still feels good.

A bunch of us are going to Vegas for the weekend. Melissa's sister lives there, so we're going to crash at her house. It'll be good to get away from here for a weekend.

Friday, September 5, 2008

It shouldn't matter, but it does

They're together all the time now. They went out on Saturday, got together on Sunday, did something on Wednesday, and have a date tonight. So I guess he likes her. DUH. I'm Captain Obvious. (Or whatever a female Captain would be. I guess still a Captain, right?)

Last night Seth went with me to pick out a new mountain bike (an early b-day present from my Dad) and we had a conversation that almost made me melt into a little puddle on the concrete floor.

I said, "I guess we're gonna have to stop hanging out so much now that you're going out with Teresa."

He looked surprised. "Why?"

"She's not gonna like sharing you with me."

He said, "She'll have to learn to live with it."

"We'll have to pull the plug someday. Once you get married your wife won't feel like sharing you with me either."

"She'll have to."

I snorted (so feminine!) and he grabbed my elbow and made me look at him. He was giving me this look that made my toes curl, I'm not kidding.

"I'm serious. You're part of my life. You're always gonna be part of my life."

See? Melting, right? I know he didn't mean it the way I wanted him to mean it, but I was blushing anyway.

I totally spazzed out and started babbling on about bike treads and the moment was gone, but little moments like that are part of the reason I will never get over him.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

We went to the lake last night...

Just the two of us. He called me at work, asked if I could ditch out early because he felt like going out on the lake, so I did, and we took off and went.

His dad has a boat, and we spend a lot of time on the different resevoirs in the summers, water-skiing, but yesterday we took the boat out and just floated around and ate Subway and talked until it got twilighty and then we went home. It was so great.

He anchored the boat and we put the bench seat down so that it was like a bed and were lying there looking up at the sky, which was, not to sound corny, totally picture perfect blue. We laughed and talked and laughed and talked. It was a perfect, perfect day, except for the part where he started telling me about how much he likes Teresa.

I hate my life. I hate my life!