Hey guys... Just an fyi, my blog makes a lot more sense if you start reading it from the beginning.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Today was a good day. Tomorrow I'm a little more freaked out about.

I went hiking with some friends this afternoon, and then tonight we all went to a karaoke place. It was my first time. I always thought it sounded like fun, but was something you probably needed to be drunk for. Turns out you just need to be with a bunch of people who don't give a flying flip if you're any good or not. I couldn't get up the nerve to do it on my own, so I sang a duet with Chris.

Who was there.

Because I invited him to come with us.


Yeah. I never claimed to make any sense.

It's just that with Chris there aren't all of these layers of angst, so I feel like I can be myself and have fun. It's kind of a relief.

With Seth it's all been built up in my head into this massive pile of drama and I almost can't fight through it anymore. I'm so sick to my stomach about tomorrow, and a big part of me is saying, "It shouldn't be this hard."

We were standing outside the house talking after we got back from karaoke (yes, JUST talking) and Chris asked what was going on with "my competition," meaning Seth. I told him it was complicated, and he said, "That's your whole problem right there - it's not supposed to be complicated."

Of course, if Seth were just some random guy it would be no big deal to be interested and get rejected and move on with life, but he's not. He's Seth - Seth of the history and the angst and the best friendship and it makes the whole idea of talking about it an exercise in abject terror.

I feel like calling in sick to church tomorrow. I won't, but I feel like it.

Friday, October 24, 2008

I didn't go out tonight...

I canceled, but not because of Seth. I'm trying not to think about Seth or about what may or may not happen on Sunday because it's turning me into a total head case. I'm afraid to hope it will be what I hope it will be. Luckily for me, I have a whole new mess to worry over - which leads me to the reason I canceled tonight.

I guess first you need to know that Chris still comes over every other day or so to "visit his sister." He's been here a lot, but it hasn't been awkward because he's just so dang relaxed and mellow and cheerful. We switched over pretty easily into friends territory - or at least that's what I thought.

The problem in the last little bit has been Melissa - if I talk to Chris at all she's impossible to deal with afterward. Things are bad enough between us, and every time he comes over it's like poking a rabid ferret with a stick. She starts making all of these hostile thinly veiled comments, then makes life miserable for me the next day.

I understand how she feels (jealousy and a crush - I get it, you know?), but I'm not sure what to do about it. Stay in my room when he comes over? Refuse to talk to him? Ban him from the house? Besides, until last night I was pretty sure it wasn't even an issue. I kept telling her she had nothing to worry about.

Thursday night he came over and had dinner. Lisa left with Jordan, but Chris decided to stay and watch Juno with us. Juno is an awesome movie but there's a scene in the first couple of minutes that's kind of risque and Melissa basically lost her mind. She wouldn't shut up. She was making comments about the movie, then moved on to making comments about where Chris was sitting on the couch (by me, but come ON), and then she started taking potshots at me. I think Chris was even more annoyed than I was. I don't think she understands she's completely blown any chance she ever had, if she ever had one in the first place.

She crossed the line at one point, and Chris said something kind of cutting to her (saving me the trouble). She got offended and bailed, so we got to watch the rest of the movie in peace. I was totally engrossed. It's the kind of movie that has such a sad/happy/romantic/awesome ending - you cry and laugh and smile all in the same two minutes. I was in tears - not little delicate tears, but choked back sobs (narrowly avoiding the ugly cry) with tears dripping down my face.

Chris thought it was cute. I know this because he brushed away a few of the tears on my face and said, "You're so sweet Cord," and then - I don't know what happened. The movie, plus the line, plus the look on his face...

You can see where this is going, right?

One minute he was kind of gently wiping the tears off of my face and the next minute we were kissing.

After I finally gathered the willpower to stop (five minutes later - that's like three hours in kissing years) I started apologizing, but he wouldn't let me. He was giving me a very cheshire cat grin, telling me "I'm wearin' you down, I can tell." I tried to tell him that wasn't it, that I had a weak moment (well, five minutes worth of weak moments I guess) and I was sorry. He just smiled and told me to call him next time I was having another weak moment and he'd rush on over to help me out.

If Melissa finds out, I'm a dead woman.

Besides feeling bad about leading Chris on, I feel like I cheated on Seth. I know technically I'm a free agent, but I don't feel like one. I know I would be really unhappy if I found out Seth was in San Diego macking on some random marketing rep at his conference.

I don't know why I didn't stop it or pull away or something. I'm starting to realize I'm kind of a pushover. I'm way too easily charmed. I don't have lots of experience with dating - one serious boyfriend, a few dates in high school and college and that's about it. I've always been the chubby girl guys ignored. Having guys flirt with me and try to kiss me out of the blue is totally uncharted territory.

I'm so surprised and flattered every time a guy is interested that I can hardly bring myself to turn 'em down. It's like if you were always picked last in PE and suddenly the cutest boy in class wants you on his team. Even if you aren't sure you particularly like him, it's hard to say no, because you still have that horrible feeling inside - say yes or you're gonna end up standing there all alone on the playground for the rest of your life.

After the fiasco with Chris I wasn't sure I could trust my own judgment, so I called and canceled the date with Eric (marketing rep guy). My hormones are so out of control right now that if Eric had been even semi-charming we probably would've ended up running off to Vegas for a quickie marriage at the Chapel 'O Love.

(I am SO not opening comments because I just know people will be shaking their heads and clucking their tongues and telling me I'm a harlot who doesn't deserve Seth. Maybe I am, I don't know.)

On the bright side I gave myself a blog makeover tonight. I surfed around the internet and found a free template from this lady. I love it.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Last night

I can't even talk about what is going through my head right now. It's too jumbled. I'm a basket case basically. This is the chat we had last night.

C: hey
S: what, your busy schedule clear up?
C: I'm really sorry
C: I was upset
S: It's ok, I'm not mad
C: I was worried
C: you aren't answering your phone
S: yeah, sorry, its dead
C: can I come over?
S: actually I'm packing
S: going to San Diego till Saturday night
S: biz/pleasure
S: but I want to talk to you
S: a lot
C: me too
S: I get in late Saturday
S: how bout we hang after church Sunday
S: catch a ride there, I'll take you home later
C: ok
S: I've gotta go, still finishing a presentation for tomorrow
C: ok, be safe
S: I will, see you Sunday
C: see you

HE WANTS TO TALK TO ME A LOT.

I don't know why I put that in caps, it just seems important.

I talked to my sister for a little while last night but I was bouncing off the walls and she got irritated with me. This morning she sent this to me.
Cord, you sounded like you were on crack last night. You have got to get a grip. Please print this out and put it on your fridge or something.
  1. First of all, calm down. He didn't ask you to be the mother of his children, he just broke up with his girlfriend. Perspective please.
  2. R-E-L-A-X. From what I saw, he obviously has feelings for you. Great. So the next step is not marriage and children it's DATING. Hopefully he will ask you out, you will go out, and you will see if you guys click like that. Expecting anything else is premature. Period.
  3. Seth is great, you know I love him, but he is not Prince William. He's Seth. Frankly, he would be damn lucky to have you. (Note: I deleted about a paragraph of my sister saying nice things about me. She's my sister, of course she thinks that.) You're a catch Cordy, so stop acting like he'd be doing you this big favor by falling in love with you.
  4. OK, listen because this is important: You are going to have to stop hiding your feelings or he is never going to be able to figure you out. I know you live in mortal fear of being rejected, but it is not the worst thing that could happen. The worst thing would be for the two of you to actually have feelings for each other, but then have nothing happen because you are so impossible to read. I know you think he must know, he has to know, he's always known, but I know how you can be with him. You want so badly for him not to know because you don't want it to be awkward, and you don't want him to be able to reject you and leave you, so you hide everything. And you, my dear, are an excellent actress. Everything's a joke. Nothing is serious. You have to knock it off.
  5. I saw you with Chris - you were WAY more flirtatious than you are with Seth. That's normal because you're used to hiding your feelings around Seth, but you are going to have to figure out how to take the wall back down and show him the actual tender hearted little self you have in there.
  6. Calm down. I just thought I'd throw this one in there again. CALM DOWN. Go get a massage or something. Better yet, come watch my kids. They'll wear you down, trust me.

I think she may have a point. Six actually.

Freak. When is it Sunday again?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I am literally shaking right now

Melissa just asked me if I'm happy now, and I asked her what she was talking about and she told me that Seth and Teresa broke up on Monday.

THEY BROKE UP.

ON MONDAY.

RIGHT AFTER SHE GOT BACK INTO TOWN.

Never get on googlechat at work when you are depressed and mad and tired

S: Why didn't you call me back last night
C: I was busy
S: With your super top secret plans
C: Just busy
S: I need to talk to you
C: Maybe next month
S: Are you avoiding me?
C: No, I'm just very busy right now
S: Be serious
C: I am being serious
S: Are you mad?
C: No
C: but I'm unavailable
C: occupied with other things
C: penciled out for the next fourteen days or so
S: What are you talking about?
C: Nothing. My social life is getting really hectic that's all
C: I might be able to squeeze you in in November
C: I'll let you know
S: Stop messing around
C: I'm not
S: Then you're mad at me
C: why would I be mad
S: we need to talk
C: how unfortunate
C: maybe we can talk some other time
C: sometime when I'm not so busy
C: maybe two weeks from Friday
C: I'll let you know

And then I signed out.

So I guess he wants to talk. Unfortunately, now that he wants to talk, I'm totally afraid to talk to him. I don't want to know what he has to say. I've decided I'd rather be in limbo forever. Because I can guess what he is going to say. Something along the lines of: I'm sorry about what happened, I don't know why it happened other than you were there and I was bored and missing my girlfriend. I'd rather not hear it.

I went to lunch with a bunch of people from work and this marketing rep that comes by our office a couple of times a month was there. He wants to take me to dinner on Friday. He's cute and mildly interesting so I said yes. Its not like I have anything better to do, other than avoid Seth.

It makes me mad that dating is so much easier now. I know that's stupid, but it's true. It makes me kind of contemptuous of the guys who suddenly think I'm interesting. I get all bitter on behalf of the chubbier version of myself. I can't imagine what it's like for girls who are actually really fit and pretty. They must have scorn for everyone.

I'm so cheesed off...

I'm feeling really bummed out right now.

Tonight, instead of being mysterious and captivating, I went to the dry cleaners, then to my sister's to drop something off, then went running. It was all very glamorous.

I was wrong, he didn't come over, which is probably for the best, given my fantastic mood. He called at 9:30, but I ignored him. I didn't answer his texts either.

I don't feel like playing games. I'm sick of games. I'm sick of all of it. I think having that moment on Saturday, and then the stress of having to act like it didn't even happen - like a NEAR-KISS didn't even happen - I'm just sick of it. It did happen, and he shouldn't be able to pretend it didn't.

I can see if he didn't want to talk about it for a day or so because he needed to figure out what to say or what to think about it, but to just pretend it didn't happen? Forever? Like we live in some alternate universe where he can wipe my memory banks and never mention it again? What sane person does that?

Oh, that's right - he does, and I go along with it.

I don't even want to talk to him right now.

Who am I kidding, I'm not even capable of talking to him about it if I wanted to. I'd never say what I wanted to say before the urge to make stupid jokes and run away overloaded my brain circuitry.

But if I were to write a pretend imaginary angry email, this is probably what it would say:

---------------------------
Seth,

I don't know what kind of game you think you're playing with my head, but I'm sick of it. You practically kissed me on Saturday. You know it and I know it. Are we just supposed to pretend that didn't happen?

I thought, silly me, that we would eventually talk about it. But you keep acting like everything is perfectly normal. NEARLY KISSING ME IS NOT NORMAL. THAT IS NOT NORMAL. THAT IS NOT WHAT WE DO. If that is what we do, then I did not get the memo. If that is what we do, please advise at your earliest freaking opportunity, because I am getting severely ripped off kissing-wise.

When you didn't mention it on Sunday, I figured it was because you needed to sort it out in your head first or something. When you didn't mention it on Monday, I figured you were still thinking it over. Tonight I realized you think I should suck it up and ignore what happened. Tonight I realized you're a huge jerk.

There is a limit to how far you can push me and that's pretty much it. You say all of these things about how I'm so important to you, and how you love me, but you treat me like my heart is totally disposable. I hate you right now, you know that? Hate.

I'm sick of it. BURN IN SATAN'S LAIR.

Cordy
-------------------------------------

What do you think - a tad strong at the end there? too much? not enough?

frack

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Last night, on the phone...

Seth calls at 10:00 - Teresa is already gone. Iiiiiiiinteresting.

He grills me for a while about what I'm doing tomorrow, but I refuse to tell him.

"I'm a woman of many mysteries."

"Since when?"

"It's this new thing I'm trying. Being mysterious and captivating. I saw it on a perfume box, thought it sounded like a good idea." I stretch out on my bed. There used to be lots of times I would fall asleep talking to him, but not as much anymore.

I can hear him throwing that stupid racquetball at the ceiling as he tells me that the last thing I will ever be is mysterious. "You're an open book Cord." He tells me he saw me talking to Chris on Sunday and asks if we're seeing each other again.

A little part of me is excited that he was paying attention. Totally ignoring me and yet watching me when I wasn't looking. YES. Junior high is awesome. I tell him all about how Chris decided he's ok with being friends and going out sometimes, but that we don't have any specific plans for tomorrow. He asks if it'll be awkward - being friends with Chris when he's still into me.

I try not to groan, because does he even realize what he's just said? "I guess he's not anymore. Apparently I'm very easy to get over."

"I kinda doubt that."

I take a moment for an internal awwwwwww, which he interrupts with an exasperated noise. "I can't believe you won't tell me."

"See? Mysterious and captivating."
---------------------------------------------

I'm half convinced that he's gonna show up here tonight to see what I'm doing. He'll just happen to need to drop something off or something, mark my words. He can't stand not knowing everything, all the time.

I'm tempted to call Chris or some other random guy to come over. I'm kind of insanely tempted to teach Seth a lesson. I want him to be jealous and scared to lose me and I want him to break up with Teresa. That's it. That's all I want. That one teeny, tiny thing. (Although technically I guess that's three things. Whatever.)

Monday, October 20, 2008

Being patient is lame and stupid and impossible and I hate it

C: You wanna do something later
S: No T's back - coming over tonight

(2 hour silence while I swear and slam things around my desk and generally abuse the people in my office)

S: Tuesday?
C: No, I have plans
S: With?

I didn't answer.

LET HIM WONDER.

Now I just need to get some plans.

FRACK.

I don't want to be patient. I'm sick of being patient. Things are finally happening. I've been patient for three years, and I'm sick of it.

If I just sit here and be patient I'll be thirty before he ever gets around to doing anything about it. Why am I letting him be in control anyway?

Ugh. Patience is for losers.

I think it's time for a party at my house. Forget patience, it's time to play random mind games to try to make him jealous.

(Notice comments aren't open on this post, that's because I already know I'm being ridiculous. I probably won't do anything stupid. Probably.)

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Something happened...

Sometimes I think if it was just me and him, locked in a room somewhere for a good three days, it would happen. Maybe it would happen with anyone under those circumstances, I don't know.

Because sometimes there are moments. I think back on them later and I think - how can that possibly be a figment of my imagination? But apparently it was, apparently all of these little moments are, because they happen, they get into my heart, then pass me by, and it's like nothing that happens ever impacts the whole overarching theme of our relationship. Like I'm not supposed to let all of those little moments add up and get into my head. I'm just supposed to enjoy the moment and let it go and never think of it again.

I don't know how to do that. Lots of people, including my sister Kelly, tell me I should just stop being his friend, stop subjecting myself to what she calls "his bullshit." (Sorry, she's not a word mincer, that one.)

Last week when I was feeling so alone about it, and getting way too dependent on my good friends Ben and Jerry, I went over to her house and cried on her shoulder for a good hour. She thinks he wants me, but he wants me later, when he's done sowing his oats or whatever, and that I shouldn't put up with it. I should be having fun, playing the field like him, and when he sees that I'm having a little too much fun, then he'll come running, probably with a ring. (Sorry, but I love her theory. Any theory that ends with me and Seth and a ring, I like - even if it means he's being kind of a jerk right now. I don't necessarily buy it, but I like hearing it anyway. It's loads less depressing than my alternative theory - that he's just not that into me.)

But I can't take her advice. I try, but my heart isn't in it, because I don't want to play the field. I want to have a whole bunch of moments, just like the one that happened Saturday night, and string them together and make them into something I can hold onto.

On Saturday night we went to the reception together and it was so much fun. A lot of my family was there, obviously, and they were all harassing him. (They've known him forever so they're allowed to do that.) My dad kept saying things like, "Fish or cut bait young man, fish or cut bait," which was a little bit hilarious and embarrassing at the same time. Luckily Seth is used to my dad, so he thought it was funny.


My sister Beth's husband Jeff, who is creepy and gross and loud and annoying, practically forced Seth at gunpoint to say that I looked pretty, which was awkward in about twelve different ways.

Jeff was elbowing Seth like the pervert he is, saying underneath all of my baby fat who knew there was that kind of a body and saying, "She's lookin' pretty hot these days, right Seth?"

Keep in mind I'm right there, feeling totally uncomfortable that my brother-in-law is calling me hot and like LEERING at me. Gross.

I could tell Seth was uncomfortable, but he said "She's always been pretty."

Jeff said, "Good thing she didn't look that good when I married in or I would have had second thoughts about marrying her sister."

Cue Seth and I staring at him in horrified silence. Poor Beth. She married a total douchebag perv, I'm serious. Ugh.

For a while we were talking to Kelly and her husband, and Kelly passed Seth her baby (eight months old and chubby and adorable), and I'm such a stupid, typical girl because watching him hold her and play with her - if there was any progress made toward getting over him in the last couple of months it was totally wiped away in that five minute period.


Later on they were doing the first dance thing, and I didn't know why at the time, but the song they chose for their first dance was that new Carrie Underwood song, "Just a Dream." They started playing it and Seth was like, "Um.... Isn't this song about the guy dying right after they get married?" And it totally IS! It was so weird. So then we both were kind of quietly cracking up about my cousin's high expectations for her marriage, and we couldn't stop laughing.

(I found out later that my cousin and her fiancee didn't HAVE a song, so she'd just told the DJ to pick something romantic sounding and country, and that was what he chose. She was mortified.)

On the next song everyone started dancing, and we were gonna dance but the song turned out to be "Somebody Knows You Now," which is about a woman who leaves her husband, so then we were both cracking up all over again. Either the DJ was totally clueless or he was her ex-boyfriend, I don't know. Seth started making jokes about what songs they'd play at their anniversary party. It wasn't romantic, but it was really funny, and we were having such a good time.

They started playing that Jason Mraz song, "I'm Yours" (sorry, this isn't supposed to be about the songs, they're just totally relevant to what happened), and Seth was all, "FINALLY - not country and not about a tragic break-up, come dance with me," so we did.

It was a really hard song to dance to. It's almost like jamaican or something. We kept tripping over each other and not being able to get the rhythm right and we were still laughing. He was smiling down at me with his whole face, his very happiest Seth smile - the one that reaches all the way up to his eyes, and I blurted out, "I adore you, you know that, right?"

The expression on his face totally changed and this is the part where my internal dialogue got stuck on ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh, because he suddenly pulled me closer. Way closer. Like serious pre-makeout closer. He started all tentatively looking into my eyes and stroking my hand and at first I was so scared to look at him and not-quite-believing-it-was-happening that I couldn't even sustain eye contact. When I finally managed to look up at him, my heart racing about a thousand miles a minute (I'm seriously lucky I didn't have some kind of attack), we totally achieved eye-lock. He was giving me the softest look - I can't even describe it except to say that it was only through sheer force of will that I didn't pass out.

He murmured my name like he was gonna ask me something and I said "yeah?" all faintly and eloquently, but then he never got around to saying anything else because he was doing that fair-warning-I'm-totally-going-to-kiss-you thing where he kept looking at my lips and sort of incrementally inching his head closer to mine.

I almost started hyperventilating. I think I was probably staring up at him like some kind of grade-schooler with a crush. (Actually I know I was because my sister told me I was. She said I looked like I was terrified and about to throw up. Charming. But she also said he looked drugged, so I guess it doesn't matter that I looked nauseous.)

Then a faster song came on, that song Love is a Beautiful Thing by Phil Vassar, which I normally love because it's so happy and cheerful, but it lightened the mood and it was like coming out of a fog or something and we stopped dancing. I totally hate Phil Vassar now. Jerk.

I've (obviously) been thinking about this ever since. I can't even write coherently about it. I know this is all disjointed and nutty but I'm excited and upset and sick to my stomach because - I didn't imagine it. Proof. I have proof. Outside non-imaginary confirmation from multiple sources. Proof that he feels something for me, even if it was just passing attraction - because he was looking at me like - like he was longing to kiss me right there in front of everyone. Longing. There was longing.

OH MY GOSH THERE WAS LONGING.

I'm not crazy. That's a huge relief. I'm not imagining this. I'm not crazy. He cares about me. Why he has a girlfriend, I don't know, but one thing at a time I guess.

I know I'm getting carried away. I can't help it.

He kept his distance for the rest of the night, and when he dropped me off he didn't even walk me to the door and he practically burned rubber peeling out.

Today at church he completely ignored me, but I couldn't even muster up a tiny little bit of irritation.

I don't know what's going on in his head, but I almost don't care because the thing that is totally undeniable about it is that something is going on in his head. Something is happening. Something is happening! SOMETHING IS HAPPENING!

Now I just have to - not screw it all up somehow. Knowing me, that'll be a trick.

OK, so - just this once - COMMENTS ARE OPEN. (If there's anyone even still reading after stopping and starting and accidentally going private and going unprivate and - well, you get the idea. I figure I'm so happy right now, even if people tell me I'm dumb or clueless or imaginary, it can't even come close to hurting my feelings. :)

Friday, October 17, 2008

I obviously have nothing better to do, and...

...Teresa's out of town till Sunday night, so we're hanging out this weekend, and on Saturday night he's taking me to my cousin's wedding reception.

We're lying on his bed and he's conned me into reviewing some stuff he wrote for his eternally in progress thesis.

I have my little red pen out and I'm circling things like there and their, and your and you're. He hates to write and it shows. He's asked me to help him, but he isn't taking it seriously at all, he's just lying on his back throwing a raquetball up at the ceiling.

I honestly don't think he's ever gonna graduate.

"Too bad about you and the cowboy. I thought you two crazy kids were gonna make it work."

"I didn't know you were such a big Chris fan."

"I'm not, but - think about it - his math skills plus your writing skills. Your kids would've almost been androids." (Sorry, inside joke - he has this theory that all really smart people are actually robots.)

I laugh, and he gives me a very wry, very Seth smile, then rolls over and elbows me. "You o.k.?"

"Fine."

"You can be upset, it's o.k. You're allowed to be human." He leans over and whispers in my ear, "You're not actually an android. YET."

I want to laugh because he thinks I have no feelings. Come on. "Sorry to disappoint you - I'm just not that upset right this sec." I chew on the pen cap for a minute, then mutter, "Besides, you've seen me cry enough lately."

I suddenly realize that was the perfect opener for a conversation I don't want to have. Unfortunately he sees the opening and takes it. "Yeah, about that - "

But I don't want to talk about this, any of it, not when he has a girlfriend, and not when I'm so confused, so I tell him its late (even though its not) and I need to get home, that maybe Teresa can help him review the rest of it, which earns me an eye roll and a "thanks a LOT," and a few minutes later, I go.

Bawk-bawk-bawk.

BAWK.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

How to chicken out...

1) Realize your best friend is in a relationship that makes him at least a little bit happy
2) Realize you should probably respect that
3) Realize if/when they break up, which to you seems totally inevitable, then you can tell him
4) Realize if you do tell him and they don't break up, it will be even more awkward, because then (at least to his wife) you'll forever be that chick who made a play for her husband right before they got engaged and she'll totally rip up your Christmas card every year
5) Realize you were never really going to say anything more in the first place anyway because a) you already more or less told him and b) you're a big chicken

------------------

Talking to Chris was pretty awful, partly because I felt like a jerk, and partly because he said a lot of really sweet things that made me have a lot of second thoughts (too late).

I think his pride was hurt more than anything else. I think he thought I was just playing hard to get all of those times I told him I wasn't ready to be serious, and realizing that I actually wasn't ready to be serious was a surprise.

When I told Chris that I DID like him, and couldn't we still be friends and hang out and see what happens, he looked at me with this kind of frustrated expression and said, "Why, because that's working so well for you with Seth?"

Point taken.

I must've apologized something like twenty times. Near the end there he told me I didn't have anything to be sorry for, and he drawled out, "But I AM awfully sorry you're so resistant to my fairly obvious charms." Maybe you had to be there, but honestly, with the accent? Very cute.

We left things on good terms. If we see each other at church or at an activity or at a party he'll probably be friendly. It'll be easy for him because he undoubtedly already has twenty girls lining up to go out with him.

It wasn't really the conversation itself that sucked - it was how I felt afterward. I'm having serious misgivings about having told him the truth. I know it was probably the honorable thing to do or whatever - why play games - but do guys really need to have the whole truth, all the time? What happened to hedging your bets? I feel so conflicted. I think I'm gonna be regretting this a lot longer than he is. I'm a lot worried this is my first step on the road to the whole seventeen cats plus me thing.

I can't stop eating either. I'm just so stressed and there is NO-ONE to talk to. Melissa's ticked, I can't tell Seth a lot of it, Kristen's married... I need to quit eating so much or I'm gonna be back in my tens, and I really don't want that - not after working so freaking hard. I wanted to be in a six by Halloween, but that's not gonna happen now. I suck.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Wow. That sucked.

I think he was expecting/hoping I was gonna deny the Seth thing.

I told him the whole truth - yes, I like him, but also yes, I have feelings for Seth, and yes, I'm trying to get over it. (I didn't say it like that, but that was basically the gist.)

Then I asked him if he wanted to maybe be friends and go out once in a while.

He doesn't.

Gee, this whole Project Honesty thing is off to such a great freaking start, I can't tell you how excited I am to move on to Phase Two.

Monday, October 13, 2008

I know I keep saying I'm tired of this...

But I'm really tired of this. I don't want to spend the next however long hurting over this. I don't want to hurt anyone else either.

Someone sent me an email and it was just what I needed to hear. The only way out of this whole convoluted mess is to just be honest. With everyone. With Chris. With Seth. And I guess with myself too.

That's really the thing - in the past I haven't wanted to hear what Seth would say if I really talked to him about it. It was easier and safer to live with my pocketful of imaginary hopes.

I'm tired of wasting my life waiting for something to happen. I need to hear the truth. I think I already know what the truth is, but I need to hear it from him so that I can cry over it for a couple trillion years and then hopefully start to move on.

I know if I never tell him, I'll look back on this in ten years and I'll regret that I never made sure he knew the whole truth. That Tinkerbell, never-say-die little part of my heart that still thinks maybe, maybe will always wonder.

I'm supposed to talk to Chris after his class tonight and I'm just gonna be honest, then maybe in a few days (weeks?), after I get up the nerve, I'm gonna talk to Seth.

So that's the plan.

Cross your fingers that I don't chicken out.

Chris wants to talk

He texted me: "We should talk - don't want to leave things this way."

My stomach just dropped like an elevator.

I'll admit there is a small evil part of me that wants to fix things with Chris just to tick Melissa off.

But there's a bigger part that wants to fix things just because I feel awful. I think I made a huge mistake. I wish I'd given him a different answer when he asked me if I was into Seth. "No way, that was just a lame crush - I'm totally over it."

I really don't want to end up alone.

Weak link

You know what?

That post was making me feel nauseous, like I threw up all over my blog, so I just deleted it.

Here's all you need to know:

Melissa admitted she likes Chris. (Yeah, it all makes sense now, right?) She met him first, she got to know him (and Lisa), she invited him to Sundance, and she was less than thrilled when we started dating. She's been mad about that for a while now. She and Teresa have apparently been bonding over what a horrible, horrible person I am and she accused me of interfering in Seth and Teresa's relationship.

She wants me away from Chris, so she started talking all kinds of nonsense about how Seth is probably interested in me now because I've lost weight, which is RIDICULOUS, because if Seth liked me, he wouldn't be dating Teresa. The end.

If Seth liked me, he would tell me. He already knows how I feel, more or less. He would do something about it if he wanted to. And he hasn't. Because he doesn't. It's not that complicated, even though sometimes I try to pretend it is.

It makes me so mad that she's trying to mess with my head and make me think otherwise, just because of Chris - who doesn't even like her. So much for her new found loyalty to Teresa.

She had to be all nasty about it though, saying that if Seth and I ever do get together, he'll just drop me as soon as I gain weight again - which she's sure is inevitable. Real nice.

Lisa was mad at me because I hurt her brother, more or less. She disappeared half-way through the fight, tired of all the drama.

Basically, we're not talking to each other right now - any of us.

I swear, if there could be one day without some kind of massive emotional upheaval, it would be a freaking miracle. I hate girls and their drama. They're so vicious. This is exactly why my best friend is a guy.

At the same time I keep thinking of that demotivators poster, the one that says something like "Dysfunction: the common link in all of your failed relationships is you."

Maybe they have a point.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Shoot...

On Friday I went out with Chris. Tonight I got dumped, had a huge fight with Melissa and finally got a clue.

It was kind of a busy weekend.

Chris took me to La Caille on Friday, this really fancy and romantic French restaurant in Sandy. I was all, "Chris, I know you're broke, let's just go to IHOP," but he had reservations and was really insistent about wanting to take me, so I shut up and tried to be gracious. I got home kind of early because I was really full and sleepy. (It was probably the most food I've eaten at one time in two months.)

I spent the morning figuring out my classes for next semester, (took a semester off because I was broke - now I'm trying to finish - 15 credits left) then went to the gym (it sucked), then went to my parent's house. When I came home Lisa and Melissa were planning a game night with Jordan and Dave, and Lisa had already asked Chris to come over.

Fast forward a few hours and we were all sitting around playing The Office board game. I was cheating because I wanted it to go faster. I wasn't really in the mood. I wasn't being a brat, but I was being kind of quiet. Chris kept asking what was wrong, and I kept telling him "nothing," and then he'd ask again, and then I'd say "nothing" AGAIN. It got kind of annoying.

I was trying not to show my irritation. Even though I was annoyed, I still felt a lot of empathy for him, because I totally get it - the wanting everything to be perfect thing, the hoping if you make it perfect enough the other person is gonna want you back thing. The only problem is that trying too hard makes it so much worse.

It seems strange that he should like me so much. Maybe we always want what we can't ever really have. He told me on Friday night that he thought I was "so beautiful." Nobody's said anything like that to me for a WHILE, other than maybe my mom and random old people. Later on I was saying something sort of self deprecating and he said, "I think you're pretty much perfect."

I almost cried, because I didn't want him to feel that way. I didn't want him to like me so much. I didn't want to hurt him. Unfortunately, I think he thought I was weepy eyed because I was touched by the compliment.

Anyway, we were all sitting around playing when knock knock knock - guess who's at the door. Melissa answered it and Seth was standing there in long shorts (um, HELLO, 40 degrees out) and a t-shirt and ruffled hair, all sleepy looking like he just woke up - the way I love him best. He was like, "Sorry, I didn't know you guys were having a thing."

I told him to come in and warm up but he said he had to go. He obviously felt pretty awkward.

OK, I have to tell you this next part in detail or you won't get it. Sorry if it's boring, but - you have to understand what a JERK Melissa was being. (And then later maybe you'll understand why she was being such a jerk.)

After Seth left Chris said, "Does he always drop by like that?"

Melissa muttered, "Constantly."

I kind of shot her a dirty look, then rolled the dice and moved my guy. "We hang out a lot."

"You and him and Melissa," he clarified.

Melissa snorted.

"You and him," he said, and this time it wasn't a question.

"We've been friends for a long time. We're like brother and sister. Your turn." I was suddenly very enthusiastic about the game. I thought we should all concentrate on the game and stop talking. STOP TALKING IMMEDIATELY.

Melissa made another noise under her breath and I glared at her. "WHAT?!"

She looked at Chris. "You ever watch 90210?"

He shook his head.

"There's this couple, Ethan and Naomi, and there's this whole thing about how they exist inside of an impenetrable bubble and no matter how anyone tries, they can't ever really get inside of it. Trying to get involved with either of them is a total waste of time." She looked at me pointedly.

I start sputtering. "That's ridiculous - he has a girlfriend and we're not a couple Melissa."

"You might as well be."

Chris looked at me in confusion. "You used to date?"

"No," I said irritably. "Never. We're friends, and that's all we've ever been." I was ready to kill Melissa. Everyone else in the room looked varying shades of uncomfortable yet fascinated, except Lisa, who looked worried.

Melissa wasn't done yet.

"I'm telling you this because you're a nice guy and you don't deserve this. Run for the hills. It's not gonna happen. Cordy - "

"MELISSA!" I tried to interrupt but she talked over me.

"Cordy has a record of blowing off each and every guy who's ever been interested in her, because she's totally infatuated with Seth."

I stared at her. What was she DOING?! Seriously, WHAT WAS SHE DOING? The total shock and anger I felt in that moment, UGH. I can't even tell you.

Chris was working his jaw and he looked at me, flushed. "Can we talk?" He glanced over at Melissa, then back at me. "Outside?"

I nodded, and he got up and stalked out of the room.

I glared at Melissa, so angry I was speechless. I'm not one of those people who gets articulate and says the exact right words when I'm mad, I'm more the kind who just gets apoplectic with rage and unable to express themselves coherently. I pointed at her, said, "we are so gonna talk about this later," and she SMIRKED at me. I thought I was gonna have an aneurysm right there in the living room, but I just threw my hands up in the air and followed Chris out.

It was freaking freezing outside. Chris looked at me. "Was that true?"

I started rubbing my forehead and jabbering, not looking at him. "No, we never dated, he has a girlfriend, we're just good friends - you can ask him, he'll tell you - we hang out because we're friends and we get along really well and we grew up together and - "

He interrupted me, his voice deadly quiet. "So are you into him or what?"

The question deflated me. How could I answer that? I bit my lip and looked up at him and he could see it on my face.

He shook his head. "I feel like a *!$@# idiot."

"Chris - "

"I guess I can't say you didn't warn me." He picked up his keys, not looking at me, but getting that resolute no-way-will-I-get-upset look guys get when they're getting upset. "I''ll see you around."

I wanted to go after him, to tell him not to be ridiculous, that I didn't like Seth at all, I liked HIM - except it wouldn't have been true. And it was inevitable, the ending badly thing. Maybe it was better this way - rip off the band-aid and get it over with.

But I felt awful. I knew how he had to have felt. It was like I was Seth and Chris was me. I hate being responsible for that. I felt and feel horrible.

I stood out there shivering in the cold for a minute, feeling like the world's biggest jerk, then went inside, ready to absolutely murder Melissa.

I'm gonna have to tell you the rest tomorrow night, I'm too tired right now.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Who needs logic anyway...

Chris showed up last night, checking to see if I was still mad and if we were on for tonight. I wasn't, and we were. He won points by telling me that he doesn't think I'm dumb, would never think that, because he thinks I'm "incredibly clever." Except with his accent it sounded like "clevah."

I told him about my cousin's wedding reception next week and asked him if he wanted to come with me. He said he couldn't because he had other plans. WITH A GIRL.

I must've looked surprised, because he said, "You kept insisting we should see other people, keep it casual."

Gosh, I'm such a hypocrite. I wanted things to be all casual and non-serious and light, but I was really, REALLY annoyed that he had a date. "Oh. That's cool then. No problem."

"Funny, you don't look all that thrilled."

"Oh, I am. I'm thrilled for you. Have a great time. In fact, if you want to go out with her tomorrow too, be my guest."

It was ridiculous. It was like I could hear the words coming out of my mouth, but I had no idea where they were coming from.

"Well whaddaya know." He was watching me with this knowing amusement that was really annoying. "Somebody's jealous."

"I'm not jealous."

"You are. Little Miss Let's-Take-It-Slow, No-Exclusivity, Don't-Fence-Me-In-Jones is jealous." He was totally loving it, you should have seen him grinning at me. I kind of wanted to smack him.

"I'm not."

Except I was, a little. Maybe I was doing that horrible thing where I don't want him, but I don't want anyone else to have him either. (Except I might want him a little bit. I don't know.)

He put a hand under my chin and made me look at him. "You know, if you want me to call it off, I can do that."

So then we had this whole conversation about how I wasn't ready to be exclusive, even though, yeah, I was a little jealous. It was funny, he said, "So you want a casual, non-exclusive non-relationship, but one where I don't actually date anyone else."

Dang him, trying to be all logical about it.

I sort of rolled my eyes and told him, NO, - but then I said that I didn't want to start anything serious right then - because I didn't want to end up hurting him a few weeks down the road.

He gave me that JJ* grin, head tilted to the side. "You won't. You're totally gonna fall in love with me, trust me."

OK, so it was pretty cute. There might have been kissing after that, I can't remember. It's hazy.

I'm so confused though.

Maybe I should borrow a clue from Chris and try to be logical, for once. So here are the facts:

1) I love Seth
2) Seth doesn't love me
3) I like Chris enough to be jealous
4) Chris really likes me a lot, or at least he says he does

So the logical thing to do here is:

a) stop obsessing over Seth
b) keep dating Chris
c) move on with my life
d) a, b, and c
e) Continue hopelessly wishing Seth loved me, stay frozen in place in my life, and end up a crazy spinster lady with 17 cats

Obviously E, right?

OBVIOUSLY.


* HELLO, Joshua Jackson, we've already been over this, remember? : )

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Sparks

The thing that’s so hard about having him know how I feel about him is that there isn’t any place to hide.

When I talk about Chris to Seth, he plays along, but I can tell he’s wondering why I’m pretending. He’s thinking - why are you even saying this? We both know who you really love. But he doesn’t call me on it. I think he understands - how I almost need Chris as a barrier, a way to show him – look, I’m not really so in love with you... see, I’m not really as desperate as you might think.

I feel like we can’t be affectionate now, not the way we used to be, when he would hug me for no reason, or pull me close to him on the couch when we were watching a movie. Now there’s this invisible barrier of intention - if I do this, it'll make her feel this, so I’d better not do it.

Tonight we were talking in the backyard on the ancient, dusty patio couch and at one point he reached over and gently tucked my hair behind my ear, saying, “There, now I can see you.”

My heart started racing (because my heart still has not received the memo about how I'm supposed to be getting over him) and there was this moment where I looked up at him and he must have realized, oh crap, that’s where the line is. He gave me an apologetic look that made me feel awful, because I don’t want his empathy, I just want him to love me.

It must have shown on my face, the kind of heartbreak I felt in that moment, because he shook his head and then silently mouthed “sorry.” He looked so sad, which made me feel even worse, because it just drove it home – he doesn't love me, not the way I want.

A few seconds later I told him I was tired, and he nodded and almost started to hug me, friggin stopped himself (ouch), said goodbye, and left. I stayed out there for a while, blinking back tears, wishing he didn’t know, wishing I’d never, never, never had a jealous breakdown, and wishing things were different.

Sometimes I write stories about how I wish it could be. I should probably burn them, but I’ve read them so many times that they almost feel real to me. It would be like burning little pieces of my heart, and I can almost already feel them, singed and blackened, little sparks of heartfelt paper floating away in the wind.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Maybe annoying runs in the family

Lisa sat me down last night and gave me a talking to about my hair. She thinks I'm not styling it right.

I was kind of laughing, and she was all, "Cordy, this is serious. I gave you this awesome haircut and you're pulling it up in a ponytail everyday. And I can tell when you wear it down you're not even blow drying it with a round brush." Since I don't have a round brush I just kind of blinked at her, trying to think of how to respond, when she threw in the kicker. "You could be really pretty if you just tried."

Um. Thank you?

She's making me go buy new brushes with her today after work and then she wants to give me a hair lesson. I'm going to try my best not to kill her.

(Don't get me wrong, I really want her to teach me and I appreciate it but I can't help feeling kind of insulted. I guess I've been feeling so good about the whole weight loss thing that I haven't been obsessing over my hair every other minute. MY BAD.)

I'm not all that enthusiastic about her brother right now either.

Last night a bunch of us watched the debate together and the room was evenly split down party lines. I'm voting for one guy, Chris is voting for the other. No big deal, but he was being really obnoxious and patronizing.

He thought I had no idea what I was talking about. "Cordy, you're adorable but I'm not sure you really understand economic policy."

Um... What?! "Did you just call me dumb?"

"What? No, I - "

"You did. You just called me dumb."

"I didn't - "

"I may not understand very much about mathematical physics, but I'm not dumb."

"I don't think you are."

"I minored in poly sci AND I took two economics classes. I'll bet I know more about Barack's economic policy than you do. I mean - who's his senior economic advisor, I'll bet you don't even know."

He grinned at me. "Goolsbee."

Infuriating.

"Cordy, relax."

Ooooooh. "You know what? I don't want to talk to you right now." And I stomped off to my room and called Seth and talked to him for an hour.

(I'm so dumb. I wanted to make Chris mad, so I called Seth but since he has no idea how I feel about Seth, or even any idea that I called him, it was sort of a pointless exercise - other than the whole talking to Seth thing, which is always good.)

When Chris came to my door to say goodbye, I whispered "I'm on the phone," and waved, and he left. He was really annoyed, I could tell.

GOOD.

(On the plus side, it made it super easy to hold the line on anymore making out.)

Seth, on the phone...

(He loves to tease me. I won't even pretend I don't like it.)

"So where's the big date?"

"It's not a big date, it's just dinner and a movie."

"Chuck-a-Rama? I hear they have cowboy food there."

"He isn't a cowboy. He's from Georgia. He's never even ridden a horse."

"Lone Star Steakhouse? They let you throw peanuts on the floor there, so he'd probably feel right at home, like he's right back on the peanut farm."

"He's not a peanut farmer, he's a math genius."

"You're wrong. Everyone in Georgia lives on a peanut farm. I learned that on Dateline."

"You learned that on Dateline."

"Yes."

"..."

"Wait - I bet it's not Lone Star - he seems too cheap for that. Maybe Sizzler. It's Sizzler, right?"

I ignore him. "Anyway - "

"I think we should double. In fact, I'm gonna call Chris and run it by him."

"NO. NO WAY. That is NOT happening."

"Come on. Where's your sense of adventure?"

"How is that an adventure exactly?"

"A double dating adventure. Two couples, one table. SO MUCH COULD HAPPEN."

"So basically an adventure in things being really really awkward."

"Exactly. Think of the possibilities."

"Yeah, I am. I'm still thinking NO."


I'm so happy we were able to have a normal, non-awkward phoneversation. I think the fact that I'm seeing someone makes it all a little less uncomfortable.

Oh - and I feel like I should say this for the record - it's NOT SIZZLER.

:)

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

OK, lets assess...

Seth: OK, granted, not in love with me, but at least we're still friends, and things are only moderately weird. I was so scared he was going to avoid me forever.

Our chat last night made me feel a lot more cheerful about the whole thing. Took it out of the realm of despair and back into - ok, maybe this is not such a big deal. If he'd been all serious and OH MY GOSH WHAT DO WE DO NOW about it, I'm not sure how I would have handled it.

I'm kind of scared to actually talk to him in person though. My plan is to avoid face-to-face interaction for as long as possible. I think it's gonna be awkward.

Chris: At long last, you get to hear how the dry spell ended:

After we drove back from Tuacahn I dropped him off (he drove back with me) and walked him up to his porch (he insisted ;>)

I'm so dumb about what to do in those situations. We were standing there and I suddenly got all nervous and wasn’t sure where to look or what to do or how long to stand there or anything, and I was considering running back to the car when he said, “C’mere,” and he gave me a hug, then when I kind of pulled away he just leaned in and kissed me before I could even have a chance to make an idiot of myself. It was kind of awesome. And that’s all I’m gonna say about that because I do have SOME boundaries. Not a lot, but some.

I need to put the brakes on the Chris thing, but it's hard because he's out-of-my-league cute (there is something fundamentally untrustworthy about a guy in his looks range being interested in me, you know?) and he's really fun to flirt with. Plus he laughs at all of my jokes. (That goes a long way.)

When I'm not around him I always intend to slow things down - and then when I'm with him I kind of forget about all of my good intentions and somehow end up promising to go out with him again.

I don't want to use him as a way to get over Seth though. That would officially make me a huge jerk, wouldn't it? I think it would. So no more kissing until I figure it out.

Who am I kidding. I'm not that strong. (I'm kind of turning into a kissing slut I think. I just want more kissing, all the time.) But no way will we be exclusive.

Last night he came over after his class and we were all sitting around talking and he pulled out Lisa's guitar and started playing it and sort of quietly singing along. (Did I mention he has a really awesome voice?)

Come on, like I'm supposed to resist that. I have resolve, but not that much. I mean, singing and playing the guitar all while giving me his best JJ* smile? What's next - he has a chocolate plantation?

We're going out on Friday. Give me strength.

(It's so weird to be going out on actual dates again. Like bizzaro land weird.)

Weight: Drum roll..... Last night I fit into Melissa's size eight jeans (Yes, I know, vanity sizing, whatever, I don't want to hear it. SIZE EIGHT JEANS.) And they weren't even tight. I had to do my happy dance.

By the way, running totally sucks. People keep saying that eventually you start to love it, but don't believe them. It sucks and I hate it. It's really effective though. Somehow I went down a size (more or less) in sixteen days, even though I didn't lose that many actual pounds. I'm not sure what the deal is. I thought a size was ten pounds, but I only lost about seven. Still, whatever, I'll take it.

I was thinking about running a 5K. (Why does everyone who starts running immediately start thinking about races?) I don't know why I want to do it. I'm slow and it doesn't really sound all that fun. It kind of sounds like a lot of work. But it seems like the next thing to do - plus it makes you sound cool "I'm running a 5k next weekend."


Very cool. :)

* Joshua Jackson, duh

Monday, October 6, 2008

Google Chat

I wasn't sure if I should really post this whole thing or not. It's really long. I HAD to post it though, because to ME it's proof of his total awesomeness. I edited it a little - don't think you need to know our real names or google ids, plus IM abbreviations are totally from the devil. ;>

S: Caught you

C: Yeah, sorry

S: You didn’t call me back, loser

C: I didn’t know what to say

S: Then let me talk

S: You can just listen

S: Or yes/no answers

S: Or we can IM

C: IM... less embarrassing

S: Why embarrassed?

C: Don’t do that

S: What?

C: Pretend you don't know

S: don’t be embarrassed

S: we'll figure it out

S: You still there?

C: Did you already know?

C: Be honest, I need to know

S: I didn’t

S: Sometimes I wondered

S: There'd be a moment or something but you’d always start joking around two seconds later and talking about the cowboy or Aaron or whoever was hanging around you that month

S: you know you and your defensive stand-up comedy

S: You aren’t all that easy to read

S: I’d talk about T and you’d get irritable, but I thought it was because you didn’t like her

C: no comment

S: I wasn’t sure

S: Sometimes I thought maybe - like at the park - you were quiet and red

S: then you started dating the cowboy

C: He isn’t a cowboy

C: and we’ve only been on one official date

S: Yeah, tell him that – I think he thinks its more serious than you do

C: So what now

C: It’s gonna be weird

C: you feel sorry for me

S: Why would I?

C: you know, 'cuz of my very great love for you

C: (that was a joke)

S: don’t do that

C: What?

S: hide behind your humor shield

S: can I ask a question?

C: yeah

S: how serious are we talking?

S: hello...

S: where'd you go...

C: I plead the fifth

C: A crush, ok? that’s all I’m gonna say.

C: Crushes are no big deal

C: We all have crushes, right?

S: right

S: I used to have a crush on you

C: don’t do that

S: what?

C: LIE TO TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER

C: jerk

S: I’m not, I’m serious

S: back when we started hanging out again right after my mish

C: oh, right, the post-mission every-girl-looks-great desperation

S: stop - you were dating that total tool, Crenshaw, and we started hanging out

S: don’t know what you saw in him

C: he was funny

C: and he had a nice car

S: shallow

C: totally

S: see, we both had a crush. All it means is you need to get out more - you know when I start looking like a prize you've got bigger problems

C: You're such a liar

C: Well at least now you know I don’t wanna see you making out with your girlfriend, right? Don’t need the visual

S: I feel like the biggest ahole about that - I don’t even know how it happened

C: I do, 'cuz I was there. It involved straddling. STRADDLING.

S: right

S: sorry

C: I guess once the girl is literally CLIMBING ON TOP OF YOU in public, the least you can do is kiss her for her efforts, right? So I'll give you that one.

S: won’t happen again

S: talk about embarrassed

S: don’t even know how long that whole thing’s gonna last

C: DON'T DO THAT

C: DON'T say that for my benefit

C: Maybe you think that's kind, but it's not, it just makes me get all irrational

S: No, I don't mean THAT. Not related to this whole thing at all, but...

S: She didn’t even know if Sarah Palin was a Republican or Democrat.

C: I'm biting my tongue.

S: I suddenly realized she’s NINETEEN

S: She makes me feel old and tired

C: You ARE old and tired

S: Is this weird?

C: What

S: Talking about her?

C: no, this is more like normal

C: Although honestly, unless you’re breaking up with her, I don’t really want to hear about her

C: I can do without the whole – she’s so awesome – speech

S: yeah, I can see that

S: You know I love you right?

S: Cordy

S: hello...

C: yeah, I know

C: ease up on that kind of talk though, k? I know what you mean, but it’s too confusing

S: right

S: but I do

S: I always will

S: cordy….

S: Hello…..

C: you’re killing me here, you know that?

S: sorry

S: So I can’t say that anymore

S: I don’t know where the line is

S: You’re gonna have to train me

S: hit me if I do something stupid

C: glad to - though personally it would help me if you would start acting like a raging ahole

C: that would help me out

S: THAT'S something I can do

C: I’m gonna go

S: we ok?

C: yeah

S: promise

C: talk to you later

S: promise

C: yeah, I promise

Even when he's letting me down gently he's SO TOTALLY WONDERFUL.

I'm never gonna get over this. (Gosh, I type that so frequently I should just use the acronym - INGGOT)

(How dumb is it that I keep reading this over and over again! Somebody smack me please, I think I need it.)

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Why it hurts...

What a mess. I’m so sick of crying. I’ll warn you in advance - this is waaay long. I’m not really so good at editing myself when I’m upset.

After that last post, almost everyone who emailed me said, “Cordy, this guy is a JERK. RUN. RUN FAR AWAY.” Which kind of breaks my heart, because I hate the thought of everyone out there thinking he’s a jerk.

It almost makes me want to delete the blog, because I’ve given you the wrong impression. You've only gotten to hear what I've been in the mood to tell you. Sometimes when I post I write it like it's a book, and sometimes I'm more in the summarizing/impatient type mood, and sometimes I like to pretend I’m a screenwriter and just tell you what people said. So it's not really all that accurate or complete.

I want you to know that he's not a jerk. He did a stupid, thoughtless thing, but even good people do stupid, thoughtless things in the heat of the moment. He’s one of the best people I know.

Let me tell you a couple of things about who Seth is, so maybe you'll get why I fell in love with him in the first place.
  • He was there for me when my grandpa died, waiting for me outside of the hospital and holding my hand at the funeral.
  • Way back when, when I broke up with my last jerk of a boyfriend, he let me vent and rant and rave without ever saying “I told you so,” (because he’d seriously, seriously told me so).
  • He taught me how to snowboard and how to shoot.
  • When I had to put my dog down a few months ago he had his arm around me the whole time and comforted me when I cried, even though he hates dogs.
  • We’ve talked for hours and hours and hours and hours – about everything and anything.
I could tell you a million little stories like that, but they all boil down to this: He wouldn’t hurt me on purpose. He's a good guy. He's a good MAN.

He’s just not that into me. That’s it. That's the whole thing. And it sucks because he’s my best friend, but it doesn't mean that he's a jerk, or that he doesn't care. I know he cares.

What you guys don’t know is how sick he looked on Thursday – how truly stricken he looked when he saw me crying. He looked like he’d been sucker-punched.

Late this morning he came over. I’d been kind of waiting for it, trying to figure out what to say. I didn’t want to get into a lot of detail, but I didn’t want to lie either. I'm tired of hiding it. On the other hand, I didn’t want a big dramatic friendship ending scene, either.

When he showed up he looked kind of tired and upset and worried, and as soon as I opened the door he launched into this whole thing about how he was really sorry for being such an ass (his word, not mine - sorry for the language).

(It was awkward because Lisa was there watching and she doesn’t know ANY of this stuff. I’m not sure how much I want her to know because of her brother. I could tell she was thinking, “What is THIS about?”)

We went out on the front porch and he gave me a huge hug, the hold-you-tight rock-back-and-forth kind. He eventually let me go and said, “So are we gonna talk about this?”

I kind of shrugged, with my stomach lurching all over the place.

He said, “I get that I was a jack-ass, I get it, I swear. I’m so sorry,” and went on in that vein for a while.

I didn’t know what to say back. I just sat there trying to think of something to say and willing myself not to cry, not to cry, not to cry. I was mostly successful at keeping the tears out of my eyes. Mostly.

So he tried again, sitting down next to me on the glider and giving me the gentle eyes. “Cordy - what’s going on?”

I think we sat there in total dead silence for a good five minutes, and I finally super super quietly mumbled, “I don’t know. It was weird. It kind of hurt to see. I guess I don’t like seeing you kiss other girls, that’s all.”

Other girls?”

I didn’t look up for a long time. When I finally did, all scared and tentative, he was staring at me like I was from another planet. Like I’d grown another head. A really, really, really ugly head. He looked stunned and upset - almost angry with me.

I suddenly really wanted off the porch, and through my tears I told him in a kind of speed mumble not to worry about it anymore, we were cool, and I didn’t really feel like talking, and I was tired from getting in so late and then I went inside. I didn’t even give him a chance to say anything. I went and sat in my room, feeling like I was having a heart attack. I don’t even know how long he sat outside for, I was afraid to look.

But since then he hasn’t called me, or texted me or emailed me or anything. I don’t know if he:
  • Genuinely never knew and was putting the puzzle together and was kind of in shock
  • Always knew and was stunned that I was finally admitting it
  • Always suspected but never had confirmation and was totally shocked that I finally got up the nerve to say something
Either way, it doesn’t bode well. The look on his face was not, “OH MY GOSH SHE LIKES ME ALL MY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE.” It was more, “Oh hell. This is totally gonna ruin our friendship and I have no idea what to say.”

I think more than any potential relationship or whatever, I’m mourning the loss of our friendship, because it’s obvious it’s going to change no matter what happens after this.

I feel like my heart is breaking. It's such a cliche, I know, but - it just hurts so much right now.

I’ll have to tell you all about Saturday later. I’m too bummed out tonight. (I can summarize it like this: it was fun, I think Chris genuinely likes me, he kissed me, and he’s great. But if I got involved with him right now, it would be a total rebound, so I’m not sure I’m gonna go out with him again. We'll see what happens.)

Friday, October 3, 2008

I don't want to talk to him...

...so I'm not.

I guess he didn't know, so I guess I didn't really have anything to be mad about. But it still hurt, and then add the embarrassment over how I started crying like a six year old because of the kissing thing, and not knowing how to explain why I was crying, and the realization that this is all sort of coming to a head and something is gonna have to change in our friendship and I probably won't like how it works out - it's all too much.

He texted me twice last night and once this morning and sent me an email last night that I posted and then deleted, along with some other spur of the second posts I put up because I was totally freaking out.

His email and texts basically said he's sorry for being tacky and, ugh, making out with her in front of me and Melissa, but he doesn't understand why I was SO upset - specifically why I was crying. He was kind of hung up on the crying thing. He wants to talk.

But I don't. Because I have no idea what to say.

I just know he's gonna show up at my work to try to get me to go to lunch with him and I can't take that, so I called in sick to work and I'm going to my grandma's house today in Cedar, then I'm gonna meet Chris and the others in St. George tomorrow at lunch time. Hopefully Lisa won't be mad that I'm not helping her finish moving in. I won't be online this weekend at all. Have a good one you guys.

I'm guessing...

that was probably not what most people meant when they encouraged me via email to just go ahead and tell him how I feel and get it over with, one way or the other, so I'd know once and for all.

frick

I'm so embarrassed.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Speaking of screaming...

I'm so mad right now.

Hurt and mad. Mad and hurt. They're the same thing almost, aren't they?

Seth drops by all the time. It's just the way we are - if there isn't anything else to do, we hang out. He'll drop by here, I'll drop by there. It's kind of assumed we'll unexpectedly show up at least twice a week. What is not assumed is that we'll bring a date with us when we are dropping by out of the blue.

I'm sorry, but don't bring your girlfriend over here to hang out! Just don't! Date her, whatever, but don't drop by with her in tow. I'm sorry if she's not interesting enough for you to want to hang out with her solo when you just started dating, but that's your problem, not mine.

And once you’re here, you can surely find some other spot to mack on each other than on my couch, right?

Seriously, we’re watching the debate, and they start making out. My jaw dropped and I looked over at Melissa, like - am I in the Twilight Zone?

I told them to knock it off, and they did, but seemed perplexed by my outburst.

Like this is a surprise? That it’s rude to get it on in someone’s living room, when the other people are watching TV?

She was all, “What’s your problem?”

I think the shock of having to actually watch them make out, combined with the feeling that I was about to vomit, combined with the feeling that I was going to kill her, made me totally snap, and I told them "You know what? I think you should probably leave and get a room."

Seth kind of laughed, but I stood up and walked over to the door and flung it open and said, “I’m serious. Go.”

He stood up, but he was all, “Settle down, Cord.”

OH NO HE DIDN’T. “Get out.”

He patted me on the shoulder. “Look, I’m sorry. I guess that was pretty rude of us.” And then he winked at me, like we were both in on the same joke.

Holy freak. He doesn't understand why I'm upset that he's making out with a girl who is not me in my living room, right in front of me? He doesn't know how much that feels like someone just knifed me in the gut? How stupid do you have to be? How totally clueless?

Apparently, I am the best feelings hider in the freaking universe, because THE BOY HAS NO CLUE. He doesn’t get it at all.

I completely lost my mind. “Get out, get out, GET OUT!"

He was flabbergasted. I guess I don't blame him - I probably looked slightly unhinged. I think he's seen me scream at someone exactly one time in the entire time we've known each other, and I had tears in my eyes, because I am an IDIOT. His mouth was hanging open, I'm not even kidding. “Cordy – “

Get out, Seth. Now.

He stared at me for a minute then finally left, and she sauntered out after him, and I slammed the door as soon as her butt crossed the threshold.

Melissa was understandably sitting there staring at me like I’d lost my mind, then she mumbled, “I don’t even want to know how you’re gonna explain that one to him tomorrow.”

I don’t think I am. I don’t think I’m gonna try. He can wonder. Let him wonder.

Ugh.

UGH.

This is probably full of bad writing and boring parts and bad verb tenses and typos and all of that stuff that I usually try to clean up, and I'm sorry, but I don't even care right now. I'm sitting here weeping at the keyboard.

I’m so done with feeling like this.

I’M SO DONE WITH FEELING LIKE THIS.

I scream, you scream, we all scream...

Last night Chris, Jordan and Lisa brought a bunch of her stuff over. They're bringing it in stages, since we can't do it all on Saturday (because of Tuacahn).

After we took it all downstairs, Chris twisted my arm a little and we went to get Cold Stone for everyone, except instead of going to the closest Cold Stone he drove to the one in Draper. He said he wanted it to qualify as an actual spur-of-the-moment outing/date, and not errand-running - driving further away would make it more official. He was clearly kidding around, but I wasn't sure why he was making the distinction, so I asked him why it mattered.

"You strike me as one of those don't-kiss-on-the-first-date girls, so it would really work for me if Tuacahn is our second date," he said with a huge grin and a wink.

When I started laughing he reached over and grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze. It surprised me. I almost swallowed my tic-tac.

He's so straightforward, I don't know what to do with myself.

I know it was just an errand, despite his attempts to convince me otherwise, but it was fun. Surprisingly fun.

We brought slightly melty ice cream inside to everyone, and then he had to leave. Before he got back in his car he kissed my hand, all southernly like. That's probably just something he always does to charm girls. (It worked.)

I'm still a little confused about why he's into me, but I'm gonna stop analyzing it. I'm gonna have fun. Because it is fun. I think I've kind of lost sight of that lately- dating is supposed to be fun. Romance is supposed to be fun - not hopeless and dramatic and awful.

What a concept.

And hey, the dry spell might be ending soon.

:)

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Seth's Mom

When I drop by the party Seth's outside playing football with his brothers. His mom and I talk in the formal living room, where I give her a present, which she opens and effusively loves, more out of fondness for me than any real interest in the gift. We talk about my hair for a minute (she likes it) and work for a while, then she surprises me.

“How are you handling all this?”

“All what?”

She gives me the look, the mom look. “Seth and Teresa.”

GAH. We don’t talk about this stuff, ever. I know she knows, because she’s a woman and she’s not blind, but we don’t actually say it out loud. I stutter my way through some gibberish about how I’m glad he’s happy, and if he’s happy I’m happy, and Teresa seems nice enough, and she watches me with skeptical eyes.

“Cordy. Honey, come on.”

“What?!”

She puts her hand on my shoulder. “I know you think you can’t tell him, but I think you can. I think you should.

I feel a little frozen and I'm freaking out a little. I CANNOT go there with her. What if she decides to tell Seth what we talked about? Crap, what if she tells him what she just said to me? What if she tells him what she’s guessed? What if she’s already told him what she’s guessed? Frack.

I concentrate on my fingers and start rambling on about how I’m not really sure what she means, Seth is my best friend, and we’re just such good friends, friends-friends-friends, and –

She interrupts me. "I think Seth cares more than he realizes he cares. He's just a little dense. Sometimes men need a good hard shove in the right direction. Do you know what I mean?"

I blink at her. Huh? As if – as if he’d care what I feel, other than in a pitying awkward way. As if I had any power over Seth at all. She clearly doesn't get it - her son's total lack of any romantic interest in me. Her affection for me is skewing her read on the situation.

Why is she saying this stuff to me anyway, instead of to her son? Oh, right. Because Seth would be so mad if he knew she was meddling in his love life. Defcon 5 level mad.

Not that I want her saying any of this to Seth. GAH.

“Kay – I – I don’t know what you think you know, but –“

“I think if you don’t say something soon, this thing with Teresa might get a lot more serious than it really needs to be.”

I have no idea what to say. My eyes are probably THIS BIG right now, and my face is warm. Not only am I having a hard time dealing with the fact that we’re talking about this, but Seth could walk in here at any second.

“I’m seeing someone,” I blurt out, which isn’t exactly true, but I feel cornered and I really need to make her stop talking.

She opens her mouth, then closes it again. “Oh.”

I look at my watch. It’s 9:30. “Actually, I’m late. I need to go.”

“You’re going out now?”

I try to smile at her. “You know how it is when you first start seeing someone. You wanna get together whenever you can.” I give her a quick hug. “Tell Seth I said hi, o.k.?”

I escape. I’m shaking.

Please Lord, do NOT let her have a similar conversation with Seth.

Please.

So I went over there on Monday night...

Yeah, I know. I know. I figure it's not his mom's fault that he's clueless, right? His mom really loves me, (and I really love her) and she was tickled when I showed up at the door (that was her exact word - tickled). She opened my present, then sat me down in the living room, where we had a conversation that kind of threw me for a loop. I'm still processing it.

I've been trying to post about it all day, but I keep erasing what I've written. I'll try again in the morning.